A month has passed since our third child was born without life……………
I sit here again staring at a blank screen with the little cursor blinking its impatient rhythm in my face. I don’t lack words or thoughts to share, in fact quite the opposite. I have so many ideas hurling towards me I can barely contain them, or even make sense of the jumble in my head.
First I want to thank each and every one of you who have blessed us with your encouragement and love. Your love and meals have filled our hearts and our stomachs. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf, and especially the ones for our girls. God has given such peace to us. That’s not to say that this does not continue to be hard. There is still pain. Always will be.
A month has traveled by in slow motion. Yet I feel as though no time has passed at all. We are still saying good bye. Good bye to our precious baby girl. The world continues to swirl around us in fast forward. And now, I wonder how does one jump back into that life? The life where things are often spinning so fast one barely has time to breathe. In my current state of moving in slow motion attempting to step back into that life could be detrimental to my health. I see myself standing in the middle of the tornado of life, trying to stick a toe back into running that race and end up losing a leg……... One step at a time.
After Aida was born life stopped. We hid out at home, we did nothing, we did not answer the phone. We are just a grieving family. However it wasn’t long and we had to venture out to the grocery store. It was somewhat of a shock to me that everyone else’s life had not come to a screeching halt as well. It’s easy to get consumed with yourself when you only focus on yourself. God has shown me that even in the midst of intense pain I can still pray for others and see His mighty hand move in unimaginable ways. Standing in the middle of the grocery store with people shoving their careening bumper carts in every direction, I had to wonder how many times I have been one of those people in fast forward. Have I been part of the mass that is too consumed with a self inflicted To-Do list to notice intense pain? How many times have I been frustrated with someone in the wrong line or lost in an aisle? This reality check has made me take a second look at those moving in slow motion.
I would love to paint a rosy sugar coated picture for you, how we are all fine and dandy. But the truth of the matter is we are hurting, death hurts. It cripples you and leaves you numb with open wounds and raw, very raw. It is a pain you can’t mask, as one of my dear friends often says “I’m not gonna lie”. Unfortunately since we have been through this before and this is somewhat familiar territory, I find myself wanting to push through the grief process and get to the part where we all can function again. There is a battle going on within me to skip the hurt and get back to life. I want to deny the pain. Having a family lends itself to following through with that philosophy. They all need so much right now and I am more than willing to provide for them as well as provide myself with a distraction rather than dealing. Dealing with what God has placed on my plate for the third time. But greater than my desire to skip the pain is the desire to learn from this. To see what God will do in our lives because of death. Death is part of His plan whether I like it or not. Death has always been a part of His ultimate plan for Aida, for me, for everyone…..including His very own Son. But He did not leave it there. He chose to give His very own Son over to death so that we all might have life. A Life that never ends, a life where tears will be wiped away and pain will be no more. Where forgiveness is granted and praise is found on our lips. To see what God will do in our lives because of death makes me want to shout from the rooftops!
To God be the Glory!
Showing posts with label One step at a time.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One step at a time.. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
One day One step
We buried our 3rd child monday.
I don’t dwell on that incomprehensible thought too long. I think it’s too much for my brain to handle. What I do dwell on is Gods amazing love. He continues to pour out unfathomable blessings on us.
The service was small, just for family. Between the sun shining and family surrounding us we were wrapped in an incredible love. Geoff led the service and left me amazed at what a wonderful and strong man God has made him to be. He shared a story that has been a part of our lives since before our lives became one. It is also a story that had been on my mind to share here for quite some time.
The summer of 96’ my parents became aware that I was smitten with a certain young man from school. So they did the only logical thing possible, they invited him to drive 1627 miles with our family to a family reunion! I’m still in shock that he went and then too that he married me.
While we were there we were told of a great hike and place to watch the sunset. We thought it would be the perfect end to a long day, so we took off. Had any thought of concern for our safety come to mind it would have quickly been replaced by the fact that Geoff is an Eagle Scout. Our hike to the top of the mountain was just in time to see the sun set. While we sat and enjoyed the last few minutes of the grand scene, darkness began to dawn, not just around the forest but on us as well. My Eagle Scout had not come prepared. Not a flashlight or match between us. The darkness was so intense you could no longer see your own hand in front of your face, let alone the trail that would lead us home. The moon was buried under pillows of clouds and not about to come out from under the covers. Panic fought with reason for a few priceless moments in my head. After an earnest prayer Geoff turned to me and explained that he was going to leave me for a few moments. He thought he had remembered seeing a trail marker on the trees on the way up. If his suspicions were right the markers would lead us home. He was only walking away from me a few feet but because of the fact that we were in complete darkness in a strange land, fear began to strangle me. In order to calm me and help him find his way back to me, he had me sing to him. Those of you that know my singing know that this was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. When he had felt his way around several trees and located a plastic marker he would then sing to me so that I could come to him. This is the way we worked our way down the mountain. Sometimes a glimmer of light would peek through just enough that we could see our feet were off the path and as soon as we would find our way back to the trail that light would disappear again. What took us half an hour to climb, took us an hour and a half to retrace.
When we made it back to the car and relief slid from our shoulders, reality began to sink in. God had been showing us Himself on that mountain. 13 years later He is still showing himself to us in the same way. In that forest we could not take a single step without relying on Him for the light and guidance. He did not move the clouds for the moon to light our path, so we could run down the mountain. He gave us just enough light for the next step and often we had to take that step in complete faith not knowing if it would be the one that would send us falling to the ground. Throughout our life God has been there every step of the way and we have seen Him here again lighting the way for the next step, nothing more. We lean wholeheartedly on Him for that next step.
I don’t dwell on that incomprehensible thought too long. I think it’s too much for my brain to handle. What I do dwell on is Gods amazing love. He continues to pour out unfathomable blessings on us.
The service was small, just for family. Between the sun shining and family surrounding us we were wrapped in an incredible love. Geoff led the service and left me amazed at what a wonderful and strong man God has made him to be. He shared a story that has been a part of our lives since before our lives became one. It is also a story that had been on my mind to share here for quite some time.
The summer of 96’ my parents became aware that I was smitten with a certain young man from school. So they did the only logical thing possible, they invited him to drive 1627 miles with our family to a family reunion! I’m still in shock that he went and then too that he married me.
While we were there we were told of a great hike and place to watch the sunset. We thought it would be the perfect end to a long day, so we took off. Had any thought of concern for our safety come to mind it would have quickly been replaced by the fact that Geoff is an Eagle Scout. Our hike to the top of the mountain was just in time to see the sun set. While we sat and enjoyed the last few minutes of the grand scene, darkness began to dawn, not just around the forest but on us as well. My Eagle Scout had not come prepared. Not a flashlight or match between us. The darkness was so intense you could no longer see your own hand in front of your face, let alone the trail that would lead us home. The moon was buried under pillows of clouds and not about to come out from under the covers. Panic fought with reason for a few priceless moments in my head. After an earnest prayer Geoff turned to me and explained that he was going to leave me for a few moments. He thought he had remembered seeing a trail marker on the trees on the way up. If his suspicions were right the markers would lead us home. He was only walking away from me a few feet but because of the fact that we were in complete darkness in a strange land, fear began to strangle me. In order to calm me and help him find his way back to me, he had me sing to him. Those of you that know my singing know that this was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. When he had felt his way around several trees and located a plastic marker he would then sing to me so that I could come to him. This is the way we worked our way down the mountain. Sometimes a glimmer of light would peek through just enough that we could see our feet were off the path and as soon as we would find our way back to the trail that light would disappear again. What took us half an hour to climb, took us an hour and a half to retrace.
When we made it back to the car and relief slid from our shoulders, reality began to sink in. God had been showing us Himself on that mountain. 13 years later He is still showing himself to us in the same way. In that forest we could not take a single step without relying on Him for the light and guidance. He did not move the clouds for the moon to light our path, so we could run down the mountain. He gave us just enough light for the next step and often we had to take that step in complete faith not knowing if it would be the one that would send us falling to the ground. Throughout our life God has been there every step of the way and we have seen Him here again lighting the way for the next step, nothing more. We lean wholeheartedly on Him for that next step.
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Showing posts with label One step at a time.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One step at a time.. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2009
Express Lane
A month has passed since our third child was born without life……………
I sit here again staring at a blank screen with the little cursor blinking its impatient rhythm in my face. I don’t lack words or thoughts to share, in fact quite the opposite. I have so many ideas hurling towards me I can barely contain them, or even make sense of the jumble in my head.
First I want to thank each and every one of you who have blessed us with your encouragement and love. Your love and meals have filled our hearts and our stomachs. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf, and especially the ones for our girls. God has given such peace to us. That’s not to say that this does not continue to be hard. There is still pain. Always will be.
A month has traveled by in slow motion. Yet I feel as though no time has passed at all. We are still saying good bye. Good bye to our precious baby girl. The world continues to swirl around us in fast forward. And now, I wonder how does one jump back into that life? The life where things are often spinning so fast one barely has time to breathe. In my current state of moving in slow motion attempting to step back into that life could be detrimental to my health. I see myself standing in the middle of the tornado of life, trying to stick a toe back into running that race and end up losing a leg……... One step at a time.
After Aida was born life stopped. We hid out at home, we did nothing, we did not answer the phone. We are just a grieving family. However it wasn’t long and we had to venture out to the grocery store. It was somewhat of a shock to me that everyone else’s life had not come to a screeching halt as well. It’s easy to get consumed with yourself when you only focus on yourself. God has shown me that even in the midst of intense pain I can still pray for others and see His mighty hand move in unimaginable ways. Standing in the middle of the grocery store with people shoving their careening bumper carts in every direction, I had to wonder how many times I have been one of those people in fast forward. Have I been part of the mass that is too consumed with a self inflicted To-Do list to notice intense pain? How many times have I been frustrated with someone in the wrong line or lost in an aisle? This reality check has made me take a second look at those moving in slow motion.
I would love to paint a rosy sugar coated picture for you, how we are all fine and dandy. But the truth of the matter is we are hurting, death hurts. It cripples you and leaves you numb with open wounds and raw, very raw. It is a pain you can’t mask, as one of my dear friends often says “I’m not gonna lie”. Unfortunately since we have been through this before and this is somewhat familiar territory, I find myself wanting to push through the grief process and get to the part where we all can function again. There is a battle going on within me to skip the hurt and get back to life. I want to deny the pain. Having a family lends itself to following through with that philosophy. They all need so much right now and I am more than willing to provide for them as well as provide myself with a distraction rather than dealing. Dealing with what God has placed on my plate for the third time. But greater than my desire to skip the pain is the desire to learn from this. To see what God will do in our lives because of death. Death is part of His plan whether I like it or not. Death has always been a part of His ultimate plan for Aida, for me, for everyone…..including His very own Son. But He did not leave it there. He chose to give His very own Son over to death so that we all might have life. A Life that never ends, a life where tears will be wiped away and pain will be no more. Where forgiveness is granted and praise is found on our lips. To see what God will do in our lives because of death makes me want to shout from the rooftops!
To God be the Glory!
I sit here again staring at a blank screen with the little cursor blinking its impatient rhythm in my face. I don’t lack words or thoughts to share, in fact quite the opposite. I have so many ideas hurling towards me I can barely contain them, or even make sense of the jumble in my head.
First I want to thank each and every one of you who have blessed us with your encouragement and love. Your love and meals have filled our hearts and our stomachs. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf, and especially the ones for our girls. God has given such peace to us. That’s not to say that this does not continue to be hard. There is still pain. Always will be.
A month has traveled by in slow motion. Yet I feel as though no time has passed at all. We are still saying good bye. Good bye to our precious baby girl. The world continues to swirl around us in fast forward. And now, I wonder how does one jump back into that life? The life where things are often spinning so fast one barely has time to breathe. In my current state of moving in slow motion attempting to step back into that life could be detrimental to my health. I see myself standing in the middle of the tornado of life, trying to stick a toe back into running that race and end up losing a leg……... One step at a time.
After Aida was born life stopped. We hid out at home, we did nothing, we did not answer the phone. We are just a grieving family. However it wasn’t long and we had to venture out to the grocery store. It was somewhat of a shock to me that everyone else’s life had not come to a screeching halt as well. It’s easy to get consumed with yourself when you only focus on yourself. God has shown me that even in the midst of intense pain I can still pray for others and see His mighty hand move in unimaginable ways. Standing in the middle of the grocery store with people shoving their careening bumper carts in every direction, I had to wonder how many times I have been one of those people in fast forward. Have I been part of the mass that is too consumed with a self inflicted To-Do list to notice intense pain? How many times have I been frustrated with someone in the wrong line or lost in an aisle? This reality check has made me take a second look at those moving in slow motion.
I would love to paint a rosy sugar coated picture for you, how we are all fine and dandy. But the truth of the matter is we are hurting, death hurts. It cripples you and leaves you numb with open wounds and raw, very raw. It is a pain you can’t mask, as one of my dear friends often says “I’m not gonna lie”. Unfortunately since we have been through this before and this is somewhat familiar territory, I find myself wanting to push through the grief process and get to the part where we all can function again. There is a battle going on within me to skip the hurt and get back to life. I want to deny the pain. Having a family lends itself to following through with that philosophy. They all need so much right now and I am more than willing to provide for them as well as provide myself with a distraction rather than dealing. Dealing with what God has placed on my plate for the third time. But greater than my desire to skip the pain is the desire to learn from this. To see what God will do in our lives because of death. Death is part of His plan whether I like it or not. Death has always been a part of His ultimate plan for Aida, for me, for everyone…..including His very own Son. But He did not leave it there. He chose to give His very own Son over to death so that we all might have life. A Life that never ends, a life where tears will be wiped away and pain will be no more. Where forgiveness is granted and praise is found on our lips. To see what God will do in our lives because of death makes me want to shout from the rooftops!
To God be the Glory!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
One day One step
We buried our 3rd child monday.
I don’t dwell on that incomprehensible thought too long. I think it’s too much for my brain to handle. What I do dwell on is Gods amazing love. He continues to pour out unfathomable blessings on us.
The service was small, just for family. Between the sun shining and family surrounding us we were wrapped in an incredible love. Geoff led the service and left me amazed at what a wonderful and strong man God has made him to be. He shared a story that has been a part of our lives since before our lives became one. It is also a story that had been on my mind to share here for quite some time.
The summer of 96’ my parents became aware that I was smitten with a certain young man from school. So they did the only logical thing possible, they invited him to drive 1627 miles with our family to a family reunion! I’m still in shock that he went and then too that he married me.
While we were there we were told of a great hike and place to watch the sunset. We thought it would be the perfect end to a long day, so we took off. Had any thought of concern for our safety come to mind it would have quickly been replaced by the fact that Geoff is an Eagle Scout. Our hike to the top of the mountain was just in time to see the sun set. While we sat and enjoyed the last few minutes of the grand scene, darkness began to dawn, not just around the forest but on us as well. My Eagle Scout had not come prepared. Not a flashlight or match between us. The darkness was so intense you could no longer see your own hand in front of your face, let alone the trail that would lead us home. The moon was buried under pillows of clouds and not about to come out from under the covers. Panic fought with reason for a few priceless moments in my head. After an earnest prayer Geoff turned to me and explained that he was going to leave me for a few moments. He thought he had remembered seeing a trail marker on the trees on the way up. If his suspicions were right the markers would lead us home. He was only walking away from me a few feet but because of the fact that we were in complete darkness in a strange land, fear began to strangle me. In order to calm me and help him find his way back to me, he had me sing to him. Those of you that know my singing know that this was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. When he had felt his way around several trees and located a plastic marker he would then sing to me so that I could come to him. This is the way we worked our way down the mountain. Sometimes a glimmer of light would peek through just enough that we could see our feet were off the path and as soon as we would find our way back to the trail that light would disappear again. What took us half an hour to climb, took us an hour and a half to retrace.
When we made it back to the car and relief slid from our shoulders, reality began to sink in. God had been showing us Himself on that mountain. 13 years later He is still showing himself to us in the same way. In that forest we could not take a single step without relying on Him for the light and guidance. He did not move the clouds for the moon to light our path, so we could run down the mountain. He gave us just enough light for the next step and often we had to take that step in complete faith not knowing if it would be the one that would send us falling to the ground. Throughout our life God has been there every step of the way and we have seen Him here again lighting the way for the next step, nothing more. We lean wholeheartedly on Him for that next step.
I don’t dwell on that incomprehensible thought too long. I think it’s too much for my brain to handle. What I do dwell on is Gods amazing love. He continues to pour out unfathomable blessings on us.
The service was small, just for family. Between the sun shining and family surrounding us we were wrapped in an incredible love. Geoff led the service and left me amazed at what a wonderful and strong man God has made him to be. He shared a story that has been a part of our lives since before our lives became one. It is also a story that had been on my mind to share here for quite some time.
The summer of 96’ my parents became aware that I was smitten with a certain young man from school. So they did the only logical thing possible, they invited him to drive 1627 miles with our family to a family reunion! I’m still in shock that he went and then too that he married me.
While we were there we were told of a great hike and place to watch the sunset. We thought it would be the perfect end to a long day, so we took off. Had any thought of concern for our safety come to mind it would have quickly been replaced by the fact that Geoff is an Eagle Scout. Our hike to the top of the mountain was just in time to see the sun set. While we sat and enjoyed the last few minutes of the grand scene, darkness began to dawn, not just around the forest but on us as well. My Eagle Scout had not come prepared. Not a flashlight or match between us. The darkness was so intense you could no longer see your own hand in front of your face, let alone the trail that would lead us home. The moon was buried under pillows of clouds and not about to come out from under the covers. Panic fought with reason for a few priceless moments in my head. After an earnest prayer Geoff turned to me and explained that he was going to leave me for a few moments. He thought he had remembered seeing a trail marker on the trees on the way up. If his suspicions were right the markers would lead us home. He was only walking away from me a few feet but because of the fact that we were in complete darkness in a strange land, fear began to strangle me. In order to calm me and help him find his way back to me, he had me sing to him. Those of you that know my singing know that this was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. When he had felt his way around several trees and located a plastic marker he would then sing to me so that I could come to him. This is the way we worked our way down the mountain. Sometimes a glimmer of light would peek through just enough that we could see our feet were off the path and as soon as we would find our way back to the trail that light would disappear again. What took us half an hour to climb, took us an hour and a half to retrace.
When we made it back to the car and relief slid from our shoulders, reality began to sink in. God had been showing us Himself on that mountain. 13 years later He is still showing himself to us in the same way. In that forest we could not take a single step without relying on Him for the light and guidance. He did not move the clouds for the moon to light our path, so we could run down the mountain. He gave us just enough light for the next step and often we had to take that step in complete faith not knowing if it would be the one that would send us falling to the ground. Throughout our life God has been there every step of the way and we have seen Him here again lighting the way for the next step, nothing more. We lean wholeheartedly on Him for that next step.
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