Letting Go....

How does one do that exactly, let go?
Is there a switch, a button, or maybe a lever I can just turn off?
I wonder if there is a series of top secret codes that need to be entered into a classified computer in some unknown location in order to achieve the desired result.
If that's the case I am still looking, as I have yet to locate any of these!
It has come to my often distracted attention that letting go is not so easily accomplished.....even though I have no choice but to do so.
And even though statistically speaking I should be a pro by now! I have discovered the opposite to be true.
In fact I would go as far as to say I might even have a "small" problem with letting go....
Leah is gone, I know that! Everything in my being, as well as life screams that horrific reminder. Blatant denial is not an option, yet I find myself desperately clinging to what could have been. I don't want her to be a fading memory. I want her here!
Precious few, I hold dear in this world and those that I do, I never want to willing "let go". Final goodbyes have been forced upon me without ever having the chance to say hello. If given the choice I will fight for all I am worth and then some just to hold them for a moment longer.
And yet, all that has been held with-in the death grip of my fingers, becomes another reminder.
A reminder to let go.......
Let go, and loose more?
Let go, and suffer more?
Let go, and .......

It hit me this week, (through and unrelated matter)  that although I often like to moonlight as "Wonder Woman" the reality is this,
I can't control a whip let alone change God's detailed plan!
Meaning even if I really were Wonder Woman herself and had the strength of Samson (which for clarity sake I am not and don't)
Who do I really think I am!
If God is going to take all that I hold dear, dinky me isn't going to be able to stop HIM....or even slow HIM down one Bit.
Sure I'd like to think I am all that!
And most days I will proudly proclaim that I am. But both God and I know who's really got it going on, and its not dinky me!
Besides wouldn't it be a better use of my energy if I just released my grip and let Him have them in the first place. If the outcome is the same either way, shouldn't I, at the very least save that energy for the battle? The battle I will be doing to survive without all that I was desperately fighting to save.
Logic has never been a sidekick I proudly defend..... but since we have already established this is not a page from Holland's "play book" I would have to say that from a purely logical standpoint letting go seems to be the "way to go".
I am worn.
I was drained long ago.
There is nothing left in me.
The driving passion to no longer hurt has been replaced by a surrendering freedom.....
I surrender all.................again!
Someday I will learn.

Missing

I miss her....
I miss seeing her tiny movements within my body.
I still feel them. My own body tortures me with these phantom movements as if she is still there.
I feel cavernous with the emptiness she left behind.
I miss the excitement of what would have been.
I think part of me has gone missing, in my missing her.
I fight to hold onto her, even if it just her memory, it is all that I have left of her....
I am weary of this battle. It grew old long ago. I look desperately for my replacement, but there is none.
I know the depths of unconditional love and that I am surrounded by it. What I don't understand is how I can be so loved and so alone, so empty at the same time...

Today

Today is a GOOD Day!
Wow! How refreshing just to be able to say that!
It could just be the coffee that has replaced my bloodstream but lets pretend its more than that!
The past few weeks have been brutal, so today I am declaring something other than brutal for this house.
Life goes on....It does not wait for me to pick myself up off the floor.
I will have twice the work to do if I stay there.....
That being said I'm off to accomplish SOMETHING today, even if it is as simple as painting my toenails.
It will get done!
Today is the day.....

A new Day

Today is Grace Genevieve Hope's 11th birthday!!!! What a treasure and delight to my soul you have been throughout the years! It has been so much fun for me to journey life through your eyes! I can hardly wait to see the beautiful woman you become! You already blow me away Kid! I love you!!

Leah

The Day we never wanted to see again, arrived on the 22nd....

Little 3lb 9oz Leah Kisch was born without life..... 

She was 26 weeks.

Earlier in the day we were able to hear her heartbeat one last time.....Fear consumed me that I would have to give birth to her alive and not be able to do anything to help her as I watched her die. (this however did not become the case)

Strange as it may sound....and although every fiber in my weary body longed to will life into hers, it was a relief to not be helpless in doing so.

We have been blessed to be enveloped without incredible support and love. If it were not for that I would be so lost...

Thank you, Thank you for walking through this with me....again. Knowing and having a tangible expression of such a love leaves me speechless.

There are Good Days and then There are BAD Days

This week my ratio for good to bad days seems to be 1 to 1.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.

I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of  me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.

I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!

Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.

Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.

I Don't Know What To Say....

For years now friends have been after me to write a post about what to say to someone who has lost a baby.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)

LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!


Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.


Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)


Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.


Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.

Send a card  I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.

Let them come to you  I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)

Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug.  For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.


Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.

Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!

I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.

----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.

One day at a time....sort of.

I keep telling myself "one day at a time"......I know I can get through this if I take it "one day at a time". Trust and lean whole heartedly on those everlasting arms. Easy enough..... right?...Yet I am so easily drawn to a perpetual state of worry and self pity.....Worrying about every detail every why, how or what's to come, only serves to get me "wrapped around the axle" as Geoff says. Which is quite the unnecessary mess when you think about it. Frankly I do not need one more "mess" to take care of right now. So I am going to do my best to avoid that whole worrying thing completely. It does not change my circumstances or prepare me for tomorrows unknowns....In all honesty worry only blossoms distrust in the One I profess to have complete faith in. Which kinda defeats the purpose of faith....

There are many "Ups and Downs" on this journey and I finding that often they don't kindly limit themselves to just one a day. Many times during the day I can be smacked upside the head with the gravity of "our situation" and usually right in the middle of the grocery store with tired children and a cart full of half melted frozen items I have a choice to make. I can indulge in the self pity consuming me or wage war against it. My mantra of "one day at a time" quickly needs to morph into "second by second". I have learned that I must be alert on guard, because that pit of despair isn't just laying around hoping I trip and fall into it. Nope is life sucking fangs swirl around me enticing me into its self pitied lair constantly. It is a deep dark unrelenting hole to escape from. Climbing out of self pity's grasp is a lonely desolate doubt filled road. Some mornings I wake up to find I am already at the bottom of that pit, yet after spending the night ...(or in some cases a few nights) there, my determination to escape is boundless. I have seen despairs hideous face and want no part of it! 

I know well the opposite road of this journey. It is lined with love and support. God has promised me so many times that He will never leave me, and He has provided you for me in more ways than I can count! The choice is obvious. I will walk this road hand in hand with those that love me unconditionally, that God has purposefully placed along my path. While it is not easy to to go through one step of this, I take incredible comfort knowing I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to walk this road with me, in whatever capacity. Your strength, wisdom and selflessness leave me speechless. I love you all dearly.

Mistaken Identity

Do you ever get on those phone calls where you know it's for you? The kind of call, where long before your eyes ever reach the caller ID your supernatural esp has already kicked in and you just know who's on the other side. There is a gut sinking feeling that becomes a deafening gong with each perpetuating ring.You know who it is and what they want but really want nothing to do with either?
The call is not a new call, its been avoided, muted and thrown numerous times before.
You stare at the phone one last time, deciding in that moment to finally do what has taken until now to do. Knowing all the while this moment in time will change life as you know it, forever.
The request on the other end doesn't matter, you've heard it before, What matters is the response to the request ...

Hello.........
Uh-Huh......

God, are you serious?

No, You can't be serious. 

NO, I'm sorry, but...(it's here that I start to interrupt and get angry at myself for even answering the stupid phone!)
No,You have got me confused with someone else.

I'm pretty sure you have got the wrong girl. The girl you are looking for wears these incredible red boots that aid in her super-speed. She has a lasso of truth and indestructible bracelets that protect her from all evil. She is equipped with super human strength, super-stamina and an agility in hand to hand combat that none can equal. Oh, and lets not forget that extraordinary outfit. Its mere presence alone, embodies one with the ambition to conquer the world!
Thats the girl you're looking for.

I don't own a pair of red boots Lord...it can't be me.

Nope, sorry wrong number, wrong girl, have a nice day.BuhBye now!
Click....  Yes, I just hung up on God..... He knew I would.

Wonder Woman may have been imprinted on my underwear as a child, and many a costume were designed with her in mind. But no matter how hard I tried to become her, that role never overtook my imagination and became a reality.

For the last 11 years I have been a super of a different sort. The sort that chases bad dreams into oblivion, or heals a "mortal" wound with a single kiss. The kind of super that can accomplish 19 things at once without breaking stride. No task too small, no schedule too great and all will be done before the days end! Today however my "kryptonite" struck from behind and crippled me. It demanded my immediate and undivided attention. Super Mom needs more than a sidekick here she needs a whole new act! I don't think there has ever been a time that I wished I could actually be Wonder Woman more than right now......

Back in July Geoff and I found out we were going to have another child...................................(if this is the first you heard of it, please don't take it personally we did not tell many, in fact it took me quite a while to even want to tell Geoff.)

A few weeks ago we found out that this child also has the same problems that Nathaniel, Gabriel and Aida had and will not survive. By the time we turn 34 we will have buried 4 of our own children.

I am 18 weeks right now. Because with the other 3 we found out so late in the pregnancy of their condition, we did not have to wait too long for it all to be over....

This however is a whole new ballgame. We are looking at waiting approximately 12 more weeks...I say wait because even though the prognosis is fatal, the child within me is still alive and growing, we are choosing to finish growing this life however long it may be.......

God, I am really not sure how YOU see me fit to travel this road yet again, I am not all together sure that I qualify as "surviving" the last one. To be completely honest I don't even want to travel this road, again I am NOT innocent or naive to the pain. I know whats coming, it HURTS! Its not like ripping a band-aid off, quick and its over. This pain lasts a lifetime. And its not just me, it hurts others too. I can tolerate my pain but the grief and torment my girls and family have to go through. Unacceptable. I cant bear it. Isnt' there just an opt out number I can call?.....

I know this is THE option.....

God, I  sure could use those stellar gold bracelets right about now.

 You will hold my hand and I have nothing to fear. 

Nothing is impossible with You. 

You will never leave me or forsake me, I can find my strength and hope in You. 

Your plan to  is not harm me but to give me hope and a future. 

You have chosen me, and I can hide in You. 

Your faithfulness has never failed me and Your mercies are new every morning!

I am weak and tired Lord, my bones are worn through with the continual ache of loss. 

My will to fight left long ago.

Anguish consumes me.

I understand nothing.

My heart lays open on the table gutted for all to see.

Yet I trust you. For it is in and through You that I have any, let alone every confidence that beauty will come from what has been created in this crazy life of mine. Only you could heal this heart.

In You alone.... I trust  you completely.....

.....Weakness infiltrates my every move, I still have a desirous "need" for the super speed inducing red boots to continue on.

I will trust in You....... and not the boots.

Wave of Light

October 15th
Today is pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will never forget the imprint they left on our hearts.
Join us as we remember, and light a candle at 7:00 pm in remembrance of the little lives lost.

Aidas Birthday

Writing for me, has always been extremely cathartic. I cannot tell you why or how, I just know that the depths of my soul are revived and filled with an all consuming peace when I do.

Today would have been our daughter Aida Evangelines 1^st birthday. I am torn between celebrating how far we have come in this last year and reflecting on all that we missed out on. All of her firsts, smiles, coos, laughs, teeth, and steps ……. I don’t find much purpose in hovering on that thought process too long for it only serves to make me completely enraptured in self pity.

 It has been by far one of the most grueling years of our life. I am convinced that the past years of trials have all been training ground for this last year. There were plenty of times where the unbearable grief was so suffocating for each one of us that I barely had enough strength to even wonder how we were going to make it through. When God promises to make a way for you to stand up under it, it does not state that He will do so by making it easy for us. Our knees may be shaking and our arms quivering from the weight of what we are standing up under but we are to draw our comfort and strentgth from the fact that He is right there with us. We are not alone. Often times I think that I paint a fragmented and idealistic picture of life here on earth. I don’t recall ever being told or reading that life this side of heaven was going to be bliss. Yet I tend to find myself desperately clinging to a few select verses that I memorized as a child promising hope and a future.

Some realignment of my pictured life has taken place over this last year. Yes, I have a gaping hole in my heart for what will never be. But surrounding and healing that wound is my Saviors love. His touch makes the pain insignificant and causes me to want to be near Him all the more. So I do look on toward the future with hope instead of regret. The road we have traveled this year has been a growing one.  I know from all that I have been taught that He will never leave me or forsake me. Now I know it in my heart as well. Because even when I question His every move and my faith is so very weak, He never once threw up His hands in exasperation and stomped off. He never gave up on me when I repeatedly threw up my own hands in exasperation and flat out refused His leading. When anyone else in their right mind would have left a tantrum throwing daughter in the middle of the store, He remained, loving me.

A Journey of healing and growth has never been an enjoyable one or even one that  I would voluntarily sign up for but in spite of all the pain I am humbled to be able to say that I am thankful for all that He has taught me through this….and continues to teach me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL,

We love you.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

A photographer friend of ours who recently shot some family pictures for us told us about an incredible organization whose purpose is very dear to our hearts. It’s called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. The Today show did a piece on them and here is the link to that Today Show.They are a group of photographers all over the country that capture the brief memories of babies with a fatal prognosis. We were able to take part in something kind of like this for our daughter Aida. I do not possess the words to tell you how much having a visual reminder of children is. It reminds me that they are not forgotten and are very much still part of our lives and who we are.

After taking our family picture our friend asked if he could enter our family into a Contest that supports Now I Lay me Down to Sleep. We agreed, because it raises money for this incredible group of photographers. I share this with you, so

 1. You can know too about this life changing group, and possibly share it with someone else who needs it.

 2. You can vote for our family and also help raise money so that others going through a similar situation can be blessed by them.

Voting cost 1 dollar and you can go HERE  to do so by clicking on photographers, then scrolling down and selecting "Dewees" and then choosing the KISCH Family!

Click on our pic to vote and then fill out the info. Thanks voting ends April 8th and winners receive a new car.

Remembering

Our Family had a precious and intimate time remembering the lives that touched our own. We will never forget.

National Day of Remembrance

Tomorrow is The National Day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

Take a minute at 7:00pm to light a candle to remember those that

touched our hearts for a lifetime.

(click on the picture below for our personal memorial)

National Day of Remembrance

My Foolishness

Once again I am in AWE, a humble awe at my God. For years I have been struggling and downright disobeying Him. To put my heart into words (on this subject) is not something I have ever wanted to do. It is so gutturally painful. To help others through our grief has not been at the top of my “To Do” list. I was more than willing to help as long as I did not have to relive the past.


Well of course that doesn’t get me very far down the road toward obedience does it?


I have known for most of my life that I have an unquenchable desire to write, but never knowing the storyline. When God placed that storyline in my lap over 10 years ago I promptly put the pencil down and did not return until recently. Even now I still drag my feet.


I feel completely ashamed of myself. All this time I have been resisting His loving nudges to write. I thought my writing would just be to help other people. Never once did it occur to my self- centered soul that He would use you to encourage and be the balm to my wounded heart. That He would use you to be the words of His heart speaking directly to me. Thank- you for your unhindered obedience to Him, for I have profited greatly from it! I will not look back with agony of time lost but ahead with eagerness to what He has in store.


Thank you

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21

Easy Button

My monthly blogging has not been because of writers block but rather a choice to be made. We are still healing. Healing is so painfully slow, I long to push that blasted “easy button” and be “normal” again. It is not to be. There is no 30 minute sitcom finish here. We are in the thick of it and it is here that I have come to the realization that I can be completely open and share the good the bad and the ugly, or go the other way and give the filtered version.

My camera has been broken for weeks. Although it was an accident that it fell out of my purse, I don’t see it as an accident that it is broken. For quite some time now I have been using it as a crutch to post the cute and fun pics of our life and our “healing” without sharing the truth. The appearance of good is all too easy to fake, especially for those that see us for mere moments each week. Without much effort at all one can become a master in deceptive appearances. To share with everyone who voices concern almost demands such. There is a fine line that relays solely on your judgment of their actual sincerity, and how much to share. Often I have misjudged this. Yet convincing yourself that no one really wants to know all about the vomit of your heart is not the solution either.

God is working in our lives. This work is what I long to share. I still struggle with the desire for it all to be beautiful without any of the muck to wade through. I guess though it would be hard to make something beautiful if it wasn’t ugly to begin with.

I am human. I share that not as an excuse but as a baseline. I am vile, filthy, evil, loathsome, depraved, and manipulative. (There is so much more but you get the idea) I deserve nothing that profits me. I without a doubt do not deserve the incredible husband, family or life I have been blessed with. What I do deserve is a never ending death. If it were not for my Creator’s endless grace, I would be getting just that. Yet because of the recognition of who I really am without Him and what He has done for me, by giving His life in exchange for my own, I know with no hesitation that my life has been spared. He has and is giving me a life beyond all conjuring I could do. He has so much more waiting for me, if I would just let Him.

He is working with my “faults” to make me into the woman He designed for me to be long before I was even born. I am a work in progress. He is sculpting and shaping me, and unlike an artist’s hand, He will not slip, His pressure is perfect for the end result. At this point in the process I am still a grotesquely crude form, awaiting his next precise stroke. God is showing me that His completion will continue to drag on the more I run from His masterful hands. It’s not easy to sculpt a moving form. You see even though I know His work on me is for good, it doesn’t mean I am not often trying to get away. Terrifying fear causes me to run, and a paralyzing fear of who He is causes me to hold still. Like a snotty nosed kid running from the hand who wipes it. Sometimes I’d rather stubbornly sit with a snot crusted face than to have it wiped away. Yes, even if it’s better for me. Therein lies the battle within me. Stupid and stubborn as I may be God tenderly brings me continually back to His arms and begins His work again. He never gives up on me. For that I am grateful beyond words. So I will quit running and share with you all what He is doing and let go of my silly pride.

Nephews Among Us

Within a week our family gained not one but two new nephews! Woohoo! We are super excited for both Branden and Elena and Jen and Tony! We love you guys and could not be more happy for you. We know that you will make wonderful parents for these boys. May God continue to bless your family.

Branden and Elenas baby (my sister)

Theo Shay Whitetree
Hours old
9lbs. 2 oz. 20 inches long

Jenn and Tony’s Baby (Geoffs sister)

Liam Conrardy
1 week
7lbs.

I wrote

In the past few months my God has given me the strength to take just one more step, one more breath. He is faithfully and tirelessly upholding me and, my every breath whether heaving or sighing has been because of Him. The battle has been a depleting and weary one, and it is far from completion. My flesh is gaping and wounded, open and raw. The organ that beats life into this body is a distant memory that one day I hope to reunite with. Pain has transformed its piercing arrival to that of complete numbness. My tears for which I thought would have declared drought months ago now appear to be eternal. They stream down my face even now, which may be an indication that the numbness I feel is not permanent. Yet, in all this I can find the peace I so desperately long for in His loving arms, knowing that He is still in control.

I don’t understand so much …..Our babies, our healing, and the direction we should go. But in not understanding I have come to understand this.

I don’t need to.

I want to argue and explain that if I fully understood the reasoning, then I could jump on board 150% instead of the pathetic 10% that I foolishly and self righteously cling to now.

I have to say it again

I don’t need to know.

An old song says it best. “Trust and obey for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey”.

Where would the trust be if there was understanding first?

If I would just take a moment to step outside of myself and see that He is showing Himself to me in more ways than I could ever have dreamed possible all the whys and how’s would dissipate. All that would remain would be the Glorious praise for which He so richly deserves.
My precious child was used this week to remind me of that very thought. As we drove to pick up Geoff from work the sky was bursting forth with songs of praise for its creator. The swirling and dancing of the swaying clouds was a display of things to come. The sun spilled through every crevice in the clouds as though it could not help itself. And here is where my precious gift voiced with a complete sigh of release “Mommy its days like this that make me think that today is the day Jesus is coming back for us! I can’t wait mommy can you?” “No baby,” was all I could breathe. I love it when my Father uses His children to set my perspective straight.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

For the last two years I have been growing out my hair. Geoff met me with long hair and asked a while back if I would grow it out again. Sure, I said I am bored with my short hair anyway. So after much perseverance I grew it out. It looked great and I loved it. But, one day a couple months back I got bored. So bored that I actually scheduled an appointment with a hairdresser and had most of my hair chopped hair off! Rage quickly ensued at my stupidity. How could I have been so rash in such a huge decision making process? The hairstyle quickly found its place on my head until again I became bored, and chopped the rest off! This is by the far the shortest it has ever been in my entire life. Yet somehow I love it! Besides tomorrow is a new day and I imagine I will grow it out again. Oh, and in case you are curious Geoff likes it too.

Express Lane

A month has passed since our third child was born without life……………

I sit here again staring at a blank screen with the little cursor blinking its impatient rhythm in my face. I don’t lack words or thoughts to share, in fact quite the opposite. I have so many ideas hurling towards me I can barely contain them, or even make sense of the jumble in my head.

First I want to thank each and every one of you who have blessed us with your encouragement and love. Your love and meals have filled our hearts and our stomachs. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf, and especially the ones for our girls. God has given such peace to us. That’s not to say that this does not continue to be hard. There is still pain. Always will be.

A month has traveled by in slow motion. Yet I feel as though no time has passed at all. We are still saying good bye. Good bye to our precious baby girl. The world continues to swirl around us in fast forward. And now, I wonder how does one jump back into that life? The life where things are often spinning so fast one barely has time to breathe. In my current state of moving in slow motion attempting to step back into that life could be detrimental to my health. I see myself standing in the middle of the tornado of life, trying to stick a toe back into running that race and end up losing a leg……... One step at a time.

After Aida was born life stopped. We hid out at home, we did nothing, we did not answer the phone. We are just a grieving family. However it wasn’t long and we had to venture out to the grocery store. It was somewhat of a shock to me that everyone else’s life had not come to a screeching halt as well. It’s easy to get consumed with yourself when you only focus on yourself. God has shown me that even in the midst of intense pain I can still pray for others and see His mighty hand move in unimaginable ways. Standing in the middle of the grocery store with people shoving their careening bumper carts in every direction, I had to wonder how many times I have been one of those people in fast forward. Have I been part of the mass that is too consumed with a self inflicted To-Do list to notice intense pain? How many times have I been frustrated with someone in the wrong line or lost in an aisle? This reality check has made me take a second look at those moving in slow motion.

I would love to paint a rosy sugar coated picture for you, how we are all fine and dandy. But the truth of the matter is we are hurting, death hurts. It cripples you and leaves you numb with open wounds and raw, very raw. It is a pain you can’t mask, as one of my dear friends often says “I’m not gonna lie”. Unfortunately since we have been through this before and this is somewhat familiar territory, I find myself wanting to push through the grief process and get to the part where we all can function again. There is a battle going on within me to skip the hurt and get back to life. I want to deny the pain. Having a family lends itself to following through with that philosophy. They all need so much right now and I am more than willing to provide for them as well as provide myself with a distraction rather than dealing. Dealing with what God has placed on my plate for the third time. But greater than my desire to skip the pain is the desire to learn from this. To see what God will do in our lives because of death. Death is part of His plan whether I like it or not. Death has always been a part of His ultimate plan for Aida, for me, for everyone…..including His very own Son. But He did not leave it there. He chose to give His very own Son over to death so that we all might have life. A Life that never ends, a life where tears will be wiped away and pain will be no more. Where forgiveness is granted and praise is found on our lips. To see what God will do in our lives because of death makes me want to shout from the rooftops!
To God be the Glory!