Pregnant - Again.

I have to admit my first thoughts were not ones of joyous proclamation. More like a terror filled heart and a worn out body were announcing their arrival instead. I wrestled with what I know should be my automatic response to the news of life growing within me, and what I know to be true in my own life.

Loss has become more a part of our life than any of my fairytale dreams ever depicted. This is our 9th pregnancy. Filling out doctors forms is not exactly the trip down memory lane I would choose to relive. We are on a journey with a roller coaster of emotions. There is a constant battle to protect weary hearts.

But before you get too burdened by our pain, I want to share with you what God is doing in our lives because of this.

I wrote the following as a prayer when I discovered the new life.
Tears like an underground fountain lie in wait, ready to burst forth from my exhausted body. Exhausted not from physical exertion, but from the torture my heart is holding captive in its terrified hand. How can I look down this road again without fear? Will you hold my hand help me release the fierce grip I have on trusting you?
I do trust you to take care of our hearts …our baby….your baby.
Fear of what is so familiar clings to me with the stagnant air of suffocation, Lord I struggle to shake it. How can I look on to the future without our past leaving its blatant footprint in our path?

Holland, I was with you in the beginning and the end. Never will I leave you never will I forsake you.

Thank you Lord, my strength and my portion forever. I can move on and take the next step.
One day at a time. When my weakness overcomes me again I will know you will be there reminding me where my strength come from.

My precious husband often reminds me, one day at a time and today we are happy!
What seems like years have come and gone since I wrote that. Yet, God has been so good to us, more so than any of my simple attempts could ever express. We have been blessed with an amazing peace. The worry that consumed my life is non-existent.
How unfathomable! How priceless is His unfailing love!
Only My God could do that!
And I deserve none of it.