What If.....

The first time this happened, where we had a baby 2 months early and without warning and with no reason for his apparent death, I began to wonder, what if…..
What if:
I had not skipped that dose of vitamins
I had gone caffeine free
I had seen a Dr. instead of a midwife
I had exercised
I had not colored my hair
I had been on bed rest
I had not painted my room
I had eaten my vegetables
I had gone completely off sugar
I had quit work
I were shorter or Geoff was taller
I had not worn my clothes so tight
You name it, I thought of it.
The second time this happened where we had a baby two months early without warning and with no reason for his apparent death I began to wonder, why all those things I changed did not work.
I had all my vitamins
I was caffeine free
I did not color my hair
I did not paint
I ate my vegetables
I cut back my sugar
I wore clothes that were to big
And the list goes on
The third time we have warning of what may happen and do you know what I have learned this time? None of my what if’s matter or make a difference! The only common theme throughout my entire list of worries was me. Do you see all those “I’s”? I don’t have anything to do with the survival of these babies! Yes, of course common sense comes into play here. But what I’m talking about is the fact that somehow my need for control leads me to think that I could have thwarted God’s plan from the beginning. There is a bigger picture here than just me the tiny sparrow. Geoff went as far to point out that this event in our lives may not even be for us, but for someone else. That is a hard pill to swallow! It’s always all about me! Who am I? Who do I think I am that a change in diet was going to be the magic cure all, and therefore interrupt what God masterfully laid out, even before I was here to begin with!? The thought makes me laugh now, laugh at my ridiculousness. Although not too long ago, it disgusted me. My view of me has been a little skewed I would venture to guess it still is….
Reminds me of a song my dad used to sing to us kids (I have no idea who sings it or the title just one phrase of the song) “The paint is still wet …..He is still working on me.” That’s a comforting thought to know that this wretch is not the finished product. Do you think we will even know each other in heaven in our perfected bodies? Our selves could be so drastically different than our earthly bodies that we will be unrecognizable? …. Name tags could be good. My brain is running away with me again. I guess maybe this is what Geoff is talking about when he says I ramble.
One more thought that occurred to me on the whole “what if”, scenario. God doesn’t have a what if list. Can you imagine? Why should I bother wasting time with one as well? It only serves to stir up deep seeded worry anyway.