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I wrote
In the past few months my God has given me the strength to take just one more step, one more breath. He is faithfully and tirelessly upholding me and, my every breath whether heaving or sighing has been because of Him. The battle has been a depleting and weary one, and it is far from completion. My flesh is gaping and wounded, open and raw. The organ that beats life into this body is a distant memory that one day I hope to reunite with. Pain has transformed its piercing arrival to that of complete numbness. My tears for which I thought would have declared drought months ago now appear to be eternal. They stream down my face even now, which may be an indication that the numbness I feel is not permanent. Yet, in all this I can find the peace I so desperately long for in His loving arms, knowing that He is still in control.
I don’t understand so much …..Our babies, our healing, and the direction we should go. But in not understanding I have come to understand this.
I don’t need to.
I want to argue and explain that if I fully understood the reasoning, then I could jump on board 150% instead of the pathetic 10% that I foolishly and self righteously cling to now.
I have to say it again
I don’t need to know.
An old song says it best. “Trust and obey for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey”.
Where would the trust be if there was understanding first?
If I would just take a moment to step outside of myself and see that He is showing Himself to me in more ways than I could ever have dreamed possible all the whys and how’s would dissipate. All that would remain would be the Glorious praise for which He so richly deserves.
My precious child was used this week to remind me of that very thought. As we drove to pick up Geoff from work the sky was bursting forth with songs of praise for its creator. The swirling and dancing of the swaying clouds was a display of things to come. The sun spilled through every crevice in the clouds as though it could not help itself. And here is where my precious gift voiced with a complete sigh of release “Mommy its days like this that make me think that today is the day Jesus is coming back for us! I can’t wait mommy can you?” “No baby,” was all I could breathe. I love it when my Father uses His children to set my perspective straight.
I wrote
In the past few months my God has given me the strength to take just one more step, one more breath. He is faithfully and tirelessly upholding me and, my every breath whether heaving or sighing has been because of Him. The battle has been a depleting and weary one, and it is far from completion. My flesh is gaping and wounded, open and raw. The organ that beats life into this body is a distant memory that one day I hope to reunite with. Pain has transformed its piercing arrival to that of complete numbness. My tears for which I thought would have declared drought months ago now appear to be eternal. They stream down my face even now, which may be an indication that the numbness I feel is not permanent. Yet, in all this I can find the peace I so desperately long for in His loving arms, knowing that He is still in control.
I don’t understand so much …..Our babies, our healing, and the direction we should go. But in not understanding I have come to understand this.
I don’t need to.
I want to argue and explain that if I fully understood the reasoning, then I could jump on board 150% instead of the pathetic 10% that I foolishly and self righteously cling to now.
I have to say it again
I don’t need to know.
An old song says it best. “Trust and obey for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey”.
Where would the trust be if there was understanding first?
If I would just take a moment to step outside of myself and see that He is showing Himself to me in more ways than I could ever have dreamed possible all the whys and how’s would dissipate. All that would remain would be the Glorious praise for which He so richly deserves.
My precious child was used this week to remind me of that very thought. As we drove to pick up Geoff from work the sky was bursting forth with songs of praise for its creator. The swirling and dancing of the swaying clouds was a display of things to come. The sun spilled through every crevice in the clouds as though it could not help itself. And here is where my precious gift voiced with a complete sigh of release “Mommy its days like this that make me think that today is the day Jesus is coming back for us! I can’t wait mommy can you?” “No baby,” was all I could breathe. I love it when my Father uses His children to set my perspective straight.
4 comments:
I used to think that when I was a kid too and still do when I take the time to look at the sky. I was just telling Christian the other day how I hardly ever look up at the sky anymore like I did when I was a kid but when I do I feel this instant release and peace. I need to do that more often. What is it about the sky? I guess getting our eyes off this earth and seeing that there is more to this life than what we see so close around us. Looking up also instantly makes me meditate on the Lord. May we all find the time to do that more often.
Praying for you dear Holland.
Strange. You write the words and my heart remembers similar seasons ... different issues but same pain.
Lots has been learnt having big open fleshy wounds but one I am grateful for.
To the degree that my heart feels pain, it will feel love. Block out the hurt and I kill the warm fuzzy emotions as well.
I'll do what I can to remain emotionally open now cus life is better with the pain that without any substance.
Just wondering how you are going ...... you are on my mind.
Sande -
I am so sorry I meant to write you a nice long note for your thoughtful words and then I blinked. To be honest I am still having good days and bad days. Yesterday was one of those, bad days. It means the world to me that you still remember me after "all" this time. I have so much to share but getting to the computer to do so is another story. this coming week hold promise of plenty of computer time. thank you again.
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