Year in review cont.

I often sit down with nothing in my head (Geoff stop smirking) to write. But as my fingers touch the keys thoughts and words become alive. Before I know it I can no longer keep up with all that is flying onto the screen.  Today I have a different problem where I don’t know where to start because of all that is already in my head ready to burst out. It is as though my mind is clogged with thoughts. So I apologize in advance if this is all over the place when I am done.

In my previous post Year in review I had good intentions of continuing on the very next day but was completely blindsided by the emotional toll that, that post took on me. Somehow I have disillusioned myself into thinking that a years’ time has dulled the excruciating pain my heart has gone through. However contrary to that belief my heart was all too familiar with its old “friend”. Shoving it all under the rug for the sake of moving on has done nothing but delay complete healing. Don’t get me wrong I do believe healing has taken place but the wounds are still fresh, even after a year.

So to press on towards more healing…I continue.

Hmm I don’t even want to read that post again to find out where I left off…..

Let’s start on a positive note.

 I am completely amazed by the detailed loving God I have. There are so many details that He orchestrated and gave us just a glimpse of all that He is capable of. I know without a doubt that if He were not an integral part of “our story” it would have a completely different ending with not beauty in it whatsoever.

The day I went in to deliver Aida was a beautiful one. I am not one to ever voluntarily seek out a sunrise but on this day it was breathtakingly majestic. The kind of sunrise that would make even the devoutness of an atheist would have to pause and question his beliefs on creation. God himself was letting me, His child; know that He was right there. Something He knew I needed in a tangible way to face the day ahead.

Because all of our children were born at home, everything was new to me. Anyone that knows me knows I hate new, and hate hospitals even more. In fact if I have to do something new alone it down right terrifies me. Thank goodness that was not the case. Along the way in this process we were introduced to a great group who helped prepare us for what was to come. Again every imaginable detail had been cared for, right down to having the most amazing staff on hand when we entered the hospital doors. No small coincidence in my book. I had heard the horror stories of other people’s journeys and never realized before just how blessed we were that day even in the midst of our intense grief. I know now that God had prepared us for that day, as if we were Olympians who had prepared their whole lives for that one race.

 Complete peace consumed us. (No doubt because of those of you praying on our behalf)

The day was even unbelievably filled with laughter, it was almost strange. Being completely aware that our daughter was being born without life on one hand but being able to absorb the joy that our Savior had filled our hearts with that day on the other was bizarre sight to comprehend I am sure. Part of me did wish for an out of body experience to see it from the other side of our hospital room door. People came in somber mode all day but left with smiles on their faces. Again God knows me so intimately that He knew that too was something of importance for me. I did not want anyone’s pity for what was happening. There was no reason for the pity for what has been placed in our lives. What we did want was for whoever came into that room to see God.

Because I was induced it took forever for me to deliver Aida. None of my previous deliveries were ever long, so this was new to me as well. But during that time both Geoff and a dear friend were by my side, caring for my every need, praying with me, laughing and crying with me…..Oh how I love to laugh! I am so glad God created laughter, how monotonous life would be without it.

My mommy has been able to be part of all of her Kisch grandchildren’s births; I am so thankful that she was there for Aida's as well. There is nothing like a mother’s love to help heal a broken heart. Again God saw to all the details, He even provided dear friends who came to the hospital just to be with my parents and their aching hearts.

Aida Evangeline was born toward the end of the day. Part of me still hoped that God would have done a miracle of miracles and makes her lifeless body perfectly whole. I knew and believed that He could do it, but that was not His plan, it was mine. I made promises trying to persuade Him change His mind so that this would not be our story, again.

Geoff and I were able to spend the day with our daughter whom we would never see smile or open her eyes, run or laugh with her sisters. We shared her with our family and each said their good-byes to the sister they would never know.  And yet at the end of the day we were able to hand her over to the people with whom arrangements had been made and thank God for the joy that we were able to share in the brief moments we carried her in our life.

That statement alone is only because of God and His life altering love in our lives. It is all too easy to see how bitter and angry I/we could be without Him. Anger was not to be part of that day in our lives.

More “healing” tomorrow or whenever tomorrow comes.