Year in review

Geoff and I have been meeting with a grief counselor for a year now. Our homework assignment last week was to come to reflect on 09 and make plans for 10! Seems simple enough in word but in action it is another story. We really do not want to revisit 09 ever again in thought or deed! In fact Geoff in his “man of many words” way summed it up for Gina (our counselor) like this,

We made it through in 09 don’t want to do it again in 10!

Of course that was not what she was really looking for. She wanted us to dig deeper and peel back the layers of time and pain that we may have buried in our healing this past year. But also to find the positive in that year, and grow from it in every way possible.  

So here I am reflecting, even tho I am the kind of person that prefers to leave band-aid as long as possible. 

This week, last year was an excruciatingly heart gutting and completely depleteting in every way. Even revisiting the memory causes me to catch my breath.

Early in the week our whole family had been excitedly awaiting the sonogram that would reveal if the baby I was carrying was a boy or girl. We were so excited that we brought all three girls with us to watch. While in the room the tech was abnormally quiet. I remember having a flickering of fear but quickly dismissed it because with previous pregnancies and sono's the tech always said she was never allowed to say anything. We found out that our precious baby was a girl!  We were so ecstatic. Even when the nurse asked to wait and talk with the Dr. caution and reserve never entered our thoughts. We were completely engrossed in the joy of welcoming our newest little girl. When the Dr. asked to see us he said that our girls should probably leave the room. In our innocence we declined.  He used really big and incomprehensible words but the reality of what he was saying was extremely familiar.

Our baby had fatal problems and would not live.

Controlled sobs consumed me, my girls were still at my feet soaking in all that they had just seen and heard.

We left completely sideswiped with shock and disbelief. Oh and a referral for a Dr. who would most likely recommend an abortion.

While were home that week processing all that we had been told Amia our middle became extremely sick. So sick in fact that we ended up rushing her to the ER for surgery a perforated appendicitis on Valentine’s Day! She ended up being in the hospital for 5 days.

During that time we were so blessed by Geoff’s job to allow him whatever time off he needed for her stint in the hospital.  We were able to focus on Amia and not be so completely consumed with what we were potentially losing again.

Little did we know it but we would have an entire month for all that to soak in and resonate. We had every emotion and question to deal with in that month before Aida finally arrived……I miss her so……

My arms don’t ache with the longing to hold what would never be anymore. But knowing the loss of what could have been strains my heart to depths I could not even imagine it reaching. There is so much I don’t understand and so much I don’t even care to anymore. Some days I just want to hold my baby, and have it be the fairy tale world I so desperately want it to be. Where the pain is not suffocating and the tears know when to leave.   

I need a minute…..

Guess I am just trying to get a jump start on heaven. J

During that month and after so many people reminded us of God’s endless and unfailing love that propelled us toward a long and arduous journey of healing….I think I’ll save all that for tomorrow.

Cant through all of 09 in one setting, besides I need to be functioning when Geoff gets home today and not eat this entire bag of pita chips next to me!

I’ll leave you with a verse, one of many that reminds me to continue on and that what I experience in this life may not even be all about me. (gasp) To get my head on straight and realize that my trials can often be an attack to distance me from the one I profess to love so much. Giving myself over to the apathy I feel seeping in, only rewards the one who is prowling around the earth seeking whom he may devour.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”- Romans 8:35,37