Writing for me, has always been extremely cathartic. I cannot tell you why or how, I just know that the depths of my soul are revived and filled with an all consuming peace when I do.
Today would have been our daughter Aida Evangelines 1st birthday. I am torn between celebrating how far we have come in this last year and reflecting on all that we missed out on. All of her firsts, smiles, coos, laughs, teeth, and steps ……. I don’t find much purpose in hovering on that thought process too long for it only serves to make me completely enraptured in self pity.
It has been by far one of the most grueling years of our life. I am convinced that the past years of trials have all been training ground for this last year. There were plenty of times where the unbearable grief was so suffocating for each one of us that I barely had enough strength to even wonder how we were going to make it through. When God promises to make a way for you to stand up under it, it does not state that He will do so by making it easy for us. Our knees may be shaking and our arms quivering from the weight of what we are standing up under but we are to draw our comfort and strentgth from the fact that He is right there with us. We are not alone. Often times I think that I paint a fragmented and idealistic picture of life here on earth. I don’t recall ever being told or reading that life this side of heaven was going to be bliss. Yet I tend to find myself desperately clinging to a few select verses that I memorized as a child promising hope and a future.
Some realignment of my pictured life has taken place over this last year. Yes, I have a gaping hole in my heart for what will never be. But surrounding and healing that wound is my Saviors love. His touch makes the pain insignificant and causes me to want to be near Him all the more. So I do look on toward the future with hope instead of regret. The road we have traveled this year has been a growing one. I know from all that I have been taught that He will never leave me or forsake me. Now I know it in my heart as well. Because even when I question His every move and my faith is so very weak, He never once threw up His hands in exasperation and stomped off. He never gave up on me when I repeatedly threw up my own hands in exasperation and flat out refused His leading. When anyone else in their right mind would have left a tantrum throwing daughter in the middle of the store, He remained, loving me.
A Journey of healing and growth has never been an enjoyable one or even one that I would voluntarily sign up for but in spite of all the pain I am humbled to be able to say that I am thankful for all that He has taught me through this….and continues to teach me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL,
We love you.
3 comments:
This is such a beautiful outpouring of your heart, Holland. In the short time I've known you, I've seen His power displayed in you, His love lived out, and a boundless compassion rising in you to meet others in need. I'm humbled to be a witness to the beauty He is bringing through the ashes, grief, and sorrow...through peace and through pain. You inspire me! Keep on keeping on!
Thanks for sharing, Holl. I love you.
Dearest Holland, thank you once again for being brave and sharing your heart. Your testimony to the Lord's faithfulness continues to be encouraging and God-glorifying. I know we'd each prefer to not carry this type of heartache but thanks be to God for His process of healing and perfecting us, though at times most difficult, done in His perfect time. love to you and Geoff, and your girls ~ Kerry
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