For years now friends have been after me to write a post about what to say to someone who has lost a baby.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
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Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Don't Know What To Say....
For years now friends have been after me to write a post about what to say to someone who has lost a baby.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
3 comments:
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Nicole said...
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Really good, Holland. Thanks for this!
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November 6, 2010 at 10:51 PM
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Shannon said...
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This would be a tough post to write because it can be so tempting to cite examples of stupid things that people say and inadvertantly make well-meaning folks feel bad. You handled the topic with such grace, though, and I honestly can't see that being a by-product at all. Well done! (And helpful...you know, to those of us who are equally, if not more, adept at walking around with both feet in our mouths.) :)
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November 7, 2010 at 8:54 PM
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christina said...
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Thank you for writing this. So many times I make an awful situation more awkward because I can't think of what to say. People like me really need something like this.
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November 15, 2010 at 8:23 PM
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3 comments:
Really good, Holland. Thanks for this!
This would be a tough post to write because it can be so tempting to cite examples of stupid things that people say and inadvertantly make well-meaning folks feel bad. You handled the topic with such grace, though, and I honestly can't see that being a by-product at all. Well done! (And helpful...you know, to those of us who are equally, if not more, adept at walking around with both feet in our mouths.) :)
Thank you for writing this. So many times I make an awful situation more awkward because I can't think of what to say. People like me really need something like this.
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