This week my ratio for good to bad days seems to be 1 to 1.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
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Tuesday, December 14, 2010
There are Good Days and then There are BAD Days
This week my ratio for good to bad days seems to be 1 to 1.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
4 comments:
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James Ratcliffe said...
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I always seem to stumble across your blog posts when they seem to speak to me and just me.
I'm not in an awesome place either, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. Reading this made my eyes tear up not out of sympathy, but empathy. Some days I can laugh at it all, and some days even the embrace of a loved one irritates and even angers me instead of being endearing and relieving.
I wanted to say that you're not alone. You're not a failure or a bad person. We would still like you even if we knew the insane thoughts that creep unbidden into your head, or the emotions that sometimes blot out thought like a swarm of locusts.
I just felt like I should say something. -
December 14, 2010 at 8:12 PM
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Holland said...
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Thank you James...your words have touched my heart and brought a twisted smile to my face. I am sorry you are not in a good place. That place seems to always linger much longer than should be allowed. It brings great comfort to know that I am not alone, as there is so much more i did not reveal! Thank you for saying "something"
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December 14, 2010 at 9:09 PM
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Anonymous said...
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Praying for and loving you!
-Elizabeth -
December 16, 2010 at 4:03 AM
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Christy said...
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I don't know what to say, again. I am so sorry. I only wish I could bear some of your pain. I really mean that. My heart hurts for you.
We all keep you in our prayers. -
December 16, 2010 at 8:53 PM
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4 comments:
I always seem to stumble across your blog posts when they seem to speak to me and just me.
I'm not in an awesome place either, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. Reading this made my eyes tear up not out of sympathy, but empathy. Some days I can laugh at it all, and some days even the embrace of a loved one irritates and even angers me instead of being endearing and relieving.
I wanted to say that you're not alone. You're not a failure or a bad person. We would still like you even if we knew the insane thoughts that creep unbidden into your head, or the emotions that sometimes blot out thought like a swarm of locusts.
I just felt like I should say something.
Thank you James...your words have touched my heart and brought a twisted smile to my face. I am sorry you are not in a good place. That place seems to always linger much longer than should be allowed. It brings great comfort to know that I am not alone, as there is so much more i did not reveal! Thank you for saying "something"
Praying for and loving you!
-Elizabeth
I don't know what to say, again. I am so sorry. I only wish I could bear some of your pain. I really mean that. My heart hurts for you.
We all keep you in our prayers.
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