Thursday

What was I saying (in a previous post) about things never quite going the way we have planned?
Wednesday, I was finally coming to terms with what Thursday morning would bring. A friend said I was trying to do the impossible. Expecting a miracle but somehow remaining grounded in reality.
Grabbing a few minutes here and couple of seconds there, I managed to put some thoughts together, concerning our reasons for going to the “specialist”. I should point out that Geoff had been against the idea from the beginning. Knowing this in the back of my head began to eat away at me. I was beginning to feel like this manipulative un-submissive wife, for making him go. In those few moments I grabbed to sort thoughts I began to have doubts. I have always done my
best work in the 12th hour.

My reasons for going were:
I thought questions could be answered like what can I do to make sure this does not happen to the girls I already have?

But then, who am I really placing my trust in?

Questions like, why? Or what is the possibility of this happening again weren’t even worth considering for us.

Statistics are just numbers to me. God doesn’t follow stats.

Most importantly I desperately wanted to go in to the Drs. office and find a perfect baby on that screen and say MMMmmmhmm look at what my God did.

God has shown me over and over again that His ways are not my ways.

Reasons for not going:
We already know that no doctor can do anything to fix our baby. What the specialist would say wouldn’t be anything we did not know already.

After hearing from several sources that our “specialist” was extremely abortion minded and that our consult would most likely be just that, a suggestion for an abortion. Knowing Geoff I am not sure that I could guarantee he would not have laid out flat anyone that even suggested such. (I know you are thinking, Geoff? He is very protective of his girls)

Also as a side note, insurance did not cover this visit: so cash would have to be in hand.

After talking with several people I realized my main reason in going was for the sonogram. My family Dr. said we could get that anywhere and most likely with someone of the same convictions, and without the hefty price tag, and if for some reason need be we could always reschedule.

So Wednesday night in the midst of church activities I came to the conclusion that I really did not want to go in the morning. We already knew that the only one that could do anything for our baby was already in control.

When I shared with Geoff of all my thoughts, he looked me straight in the face and said “Holland I have praying for days that this would be your decision”. All composure I thought I was maintaining just spilled out of my face with that statement. I was carrying a huge burden and had no idea of the weight I was carrying. I could see the character Christian in John Bunyan’s Pilgrims Progress laying down his load at the cross. God had been working and I was too caught up in my own plan to see it. Sometimes I find myself laying down that load time and time again.

So Thursday morning came and went with no regret.

Another place in town has been recommended to us and we are eager to see where God takes us. We are still praying for a miracle. That hasn’t changed. As one of the people we talked to said, “God is still in the miracle business”