Today I am trying my best to come to terms with the thought of not having any more children of our own. There are an abundance of logical and emotion reasons for being “done”. However my heart is seems to be tearing itself from with-in my chest at the thought of being DONE. How can I make such a final decision when every emotion in my body is screaming at me in a tormented battle of inconclusive thoughts.
What if….we really were meant to have more?
We have lost 3 already! Why even go anywhere near that road again?
But, Geoff and I always knew/wanted a huge family, couldn’t God do that?
Couldn’t God also give you a fourth loss? Think of the toll the 3 have already taken on your family….
Yes but, look at the 3 we do have!
Could you handle what people would say and ask even if you were to get pregnant again?
God would have to work a huge miracle for that to happen, but maybe that’s what He wants.
Your baby girl is going to be 7 next week, and there are benefits to having older children.
You are getting older…. You would be a high risk pregnancy.
I loved being pregnant, I miss it, almost long for it.
I could go on, but really I can’t. You see the one thing that I have found to be the common thread between these two thoughts. Presumably I have control over the outcome, when in fact I have none. Sure I could possibly get pregnant but there is no control over whether or not the baby survives to actually be born. No amount of Dr. visits, shots, vitamins or therapeutic massages are going to guarantee that baby will live. (outside of Gods will there is no guarantee)
On the other hand taking control by finalizing our birth “control” options seems absolutely ridiculous because who our God is! I mean he did promise and fulfill that promise to Sarah a 90 yr old woman to have a baby for goodness sake. He gave Hannah a barren woman, Samuel. No amount of manmade options will slow His purpose down.
So here I sit begging for Gods answer and ultimate control in our lives. Doing so doesn’t take the hurt or tugging at my heart strings away. But rather provides a welcome relief to release control of all my worries and place it in His more than capable tender loving trustworthy hands.
4 comments:
How hard. I don't even know what to say. Maybe you could do a post sometime about how to talk to people in your situation. I feel so inadequate but don't want it to seem like I am ignoring the hurt either. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing because I don't understand and risk hurting your feelings or making things worse. But then if I don't say anything it may seem like I don't care. I second guess my every word. Help!
Good morning, Love!! I am very slowly weaning Eli because he is the last of our children I will give birth to. Every time I rub his head while he is nestled in close (and being quiet!!), I wonder how I'm going to not wail the last time I nurse him..... But we still want more kids. Several. A full and probably overflowing house. So in a year or two our adoption of siblings will begin. Now that excites me! And totally freaks me out..... Loves!
Holland, so special to read your thoughts this morning. thanks for sharing. i'm sorry you are hurting so much. i loved meeting all your baby girls, they are so sweet. you are never far from my thoughts.
Christy great thought. Even though I have gone through all that we have I still feel so innadequate when sharing with others going through something similar. Yet God always provides,the words. thank goodness. The hurt is no longer constant, but rather unscheduled spontaneous bursts, thats what this post was. Those with tender hearts HE uses. You have always been one of those. For the most part God has wiped away every memory of those that have said something "wrong". We know their hearts were in the right place.
Jessa - thank you love, it is great comfort knowing that even tho are stories are different the heartache is the same. Can't wait to meet the rest of your family!
Hay - It was such a blessing too on our parts to be able to introduce them to one of our dearest of friends. hope you are well my friend. Thanks for loving us through our hurt. We love you all so much!
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