I LOVE this KID!!! This is her favorite thing to do, and would do it for hours on end if I let her. Her own special flair at the end still has me cracking up!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
New Chapter
Well the time has come. All 3 of my precious punkn's went to school today, and by "went" I don't mean to the kitchen table. Home school in the Kisch house has come to an end. It was never my intent to teach the girls past 2nd grade. It became abundantly clear that the girls needed more than I could give them, so the decision was made. I fired myself from the position as their teacher and went in search of the alternative that would be better for all of us. It was not easy by any means and yet there was an immense amount of relief on my part. To now be able to be a mom that could equip my kids in the areas I excel in, rather than to struggle and muddle through all the areas I lack. I feel I am so much more able to come along side and assist rather than be responsible for their education.
Now if you have been anywhere near the girls in the last several months I am sure have already you heard all about their excitement over the prospect of going to "real school". Today that became a reality for each of them. For Amia she could not wait for the day to start. She was dressed and ready to go long before 6am! She counted of the hours until school started like the gong in a grandfather clock! (precious punkn')
After meeting her teacher Zoe was even more thrilled about going to school....that is until she saw her desk was right next to a boys! I was dumbfounded! Zoe? My Zoe? I just stared at her for a moment and then told her to put quivering lip and tears away. A quick look around the room told me there were no girls sitting next girls anywhere in that room. I realized the teacher knew exactly what she was doing. So after a brief pep talk and a knuckle pound I left.... because now this strange wetness was welling up in my eyes too! A quick peek later told me Zoe was fine and back to her normal self.
Grace exuded confidence as she took off for middle school, locker combination memorized, class schedule and school map in hand. She wanted nothing to do with the more than willing to "hold her hand" mother following her every step. I snapped 2 pictures only 2 mind you, of her before she left for school and she asked me in her ever so polite way... MOM could you please stop taking pictures of me?! I am not a celebrity or nothin'!!!"
WHAT?! But, But, You are my celebrity I whined.
She didn't buy it and only rolled her eyes for any further pictures I may have taken. I really really wanted to go all papparazzi on her. I envisioned gathering other jilted moms together and joining forces. Where we would be armed with 7 cameras each. Following her every move snapping millions of pictures. OOOOing and AWWWWing all the way!...... but I refrained. (silly girl, don't know how good she's got it.)
Anyway off she went like the big girl she is. I suppose, like my friend Lori says each step is training you for the next. I mean, one day soon they will be walking down an aisle....AAAAHHHH!
Ok for now I'm good with just dropping her off and picking her up at school.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Eight!!!
My Baby girl is eight today! WoW! When we gave you, your name we had no idea to what extent you would fulfill the depths of its meaning, and all before you even turned 8! You are the “life” of the party every moment of the day! The last eight years have been quite the ride! I expect nothing less in the years to follow. At first mornings light Zoe, you are my burst of sunshine! Whether I find you on top of the fridge at 18 months old at 2am or walking the roof line to watch the Thunderbirds fly by, my life with you has been nothing short of heart stopping…. I LOVE it! I wouldn’t have it any other way! Because of you I have learned to soak in each and every moment of life. With you holding my hand the world is full of carefree delightful laughter. Through your eyes I see a fearless abandon for what and who you love. You run toward life's fullest with all that you have giggling the whole way. Caution, to you is only a speed bump it does not paralyze you with fear. May you never lose the beautiful passion that drives you. I love the inquisitive “questions of the day” that you come up with they keep me on my toes. How you come up with the ones you do often leave me stunned and I realize that I underestimate you my punkin pie. You don’t just live life it bubbles out of you in such a contagious way! I cannot wait to see how all of the qualities I love and treasure in you, develop into an amazing woman…..So basically I want to be you when I grow up! J I love you BoZo! Happy 8th Birthday from your biggest fan!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Pennsylvania, Birthday, and Harry!
At the beginning of March a job Geoff applied for with LYCOMING ENGINES decided to fly both he and I out to Pennsylvania for an interview! It happened very fast we hardly had time to grasp the idea of moving across the country! The 3 day trip was very exciting and alluring! We even got some bonus time with Geoff's dad who lives 3 hrs from there! Geoff was really impressed with the company, and they were with him as well. And to be honest who wouldn't be when you look this good?!
OK so before I go any further getting your hopes up or getting you scared, (depending on which side of the fence you are on) .....He did not get the job. They said they wanted him but they did not have the budget to hire him. : P tttbbbbbppttt! (that pretty much sums up my thoughts on that!)
My birthday happened to fall on this trip so a weekend away on someone else dime, I really can't complain! My precious father-in-law whom I love dearly, spoiled me rotten! He gave me my all time favorite gift! Shoe shopping!!! He knows me and my weakness so well! ;)
And I have got money to spare for another pair! I will post a pic when I decide which ones to get!
34 years ain't off to a bad start! In my professional opinion though, you really cant go wrong when you start it off with cute shoes!
But then....
My lifelong sidekick and I indulged in our traditional birthday getaway!
A 6 hr road trip a great concert and lots of laughs!!!
I love you Sarah Lynn Doty! Can't wait for the next one!
Monday, March 28, 2011
My Problem Child has Returned Home
Well, I am dumbfounded, to say the least!
I sit here in a complete state of shock over this last weeks events.
Thursday night Geoff got a call from the Wichita Police Department saying that Big Bertha our run away had been found!
OH!...... Joy! (that should be read with sarcasm dripping from every letter!)
They also said that if we did not come get her immediately they were going to impound BB.....Geoff did not share my opinion to just let the fine folks of the WPD keep her. I think she needed to learn a lesson, besides I liked my sporty little replacement that we rented.
Anyway....
Very little had been touched in the van, it was only a few blocks away and the keys were in it!
I don't know how they got there as I don't leave normally leave them in the car. Frankly I really don't want to think about all that.
She's back and already back to her old antics of driving me C-R-A-Z-Y!
Locking me in the car.
Bed wetting.
Deliberately disobeying my orders to STOP!
Oh and my favorite the incessant poking til I hit back!
I am not above admitting I secretly hoped she would have runaway forever!
We may never know the story behind her little escapade ...
But for now I guess I am thankful for the laughter the whole ordeal brought us. And that I don't have to add another bill to the pile.
I sit here in a complete state of shock over this last weeks events.
Thursday night Geoff got a call from the Wichita Police Department saying that Big Bertha our run away had been found!
OH!...... Joy! (that should be read with sarcasm dripping from every letter!)
They also said that if we did not come get her immediately they were going to impound BB.....Geoff did not share my opinion to just let the fine folks of the WPD keep her. I think she needed to learn a lesson, besides I liked my sporty little replacement that we rented.
Anyway....
Very little had been touched in the van, it was only a few blocks away and the keys were in it!
I don't know how they got there as I don't leave normally leave them in the car. Frankly I really don't want to think about all that.
She's back and already back to her old antics of driving me C-R-A-Z-Y!
Locking me in the car.
Bed wetting.
Deliberately disobeying my orders to STOP!
Oh and my favorite the incessant poking til I hit back!
I am not above admitting I secretly hoped she would have runaway forever!
We may never know the story behind her little escapade ...
But for now I guess I am thankful for the laughter the whole ordeal brought us. And that I don't have to add another bill to the pile.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dude! Where's my car!!!?
I was awakened this morning to Geoff bellowing strange questions at me ....
Typically this is not all together an uncommon experience.
Questions like wheres my pants, wheres my badge or could you buy more Pepsi today? These kinds of questions are generally how I start my morning. All of these questions I can usually expertly plow through without ever removing my head from under the pillow! However this morning's barrage of questions actually propelled me out of bed to answer....or at the very least see what in the world he was talking about.
The van is not in driveway where is it?
I don't know! In your dishwasher....(I thought) - those words didn't actually escape my lips (and "dishwasher" really was what I thought!)
Holland where did you put the van?!
Geoff you drove it last!
It's in the driveway where you left it!
Side note - I didn't sleep well last night..........the dogs were forever barking!
Side note - I didn't sleep well last night..........the dogs were forever barking!
What kinda crazy are you talking?
My "Proverbs 31" wife hat was still buried deep under the covers!
I hauled my butt out of bed to help him find yet one more item that he had "mis"placed right under his own nose....
Only this time it really was, NO where to be found!
WHAT!?!
Who steals a van whose front end is riveted in place and also has been known to accessorize with pink duct tape and zip ties?
Seriously!
The only logical deduction I can come up with is that one of my fun loving crazy pranking friends has pulled off the ultimate practical joke!
What other reason could there possibly be?
What other reason could there possibly be?
In the days leading up to today's events my van had been exhibiting strange demonic like behaviors. As we were driving along in the pouring down rain my passenger window would randomly roll up and down of its own volition. Or when I would hit 55 mph the locks would so start jumping up and down like popcorn in a hot pot! Normally I could place blame on any of the 12 appendages flailing about in the back seats. But not this time, it is almost as if Big Bertha had become possessed. So maybe she left all on her own.
This whole thing makes no sense whatsoever!!! The only thing missing in this crazy mystery is the chalk outline of where my van slept and drooled all over the driveway. I think its trade-in value may amount to a whopping $300 bucks! Like Geoff said..."I cant even buy a bike with that!"
Both Geoff and I stood in the spot the van had been, just staring....staring at each other, staring at the street, unsure of what emotion to have. We are stupefied by the selection of our car versus the 15 other 'prime' candidates on our street. As we stand there, the silence is broken by giggles I refuse to suppress. I just couldn't resist voicing the movie line that popped into my head! (not one I would recommend)
"Dude, where's my Car!"
After abundant laughter, we finally make the necessary calls .....and by necessary I mean the calls to friends to make sure all of them have their alibis up to date. I do my best to see if anyone did indeed "borrow" Big Bertha. No one confesses, or claims ownership of the colossal prank!
Confusion.
Then all of the sudden a terrifying blood curdling thought fills my head.
ZOE! She wouldn't!......would she?
A quick sprint to Zoe's bed to assure myself she hadn't done something,.... well.... Zoe-esque the night before.
She's in bed in her typical butt in the air, fast asleep fashion.
Relief, as well as blood, flood back through my pulsating veins.
OK
Reality begins to sink in.
Someone really did steal our car!
Geoff calls the police, who take note of it and give him a case number which he then passes on to the insurance agent...Oh and I sang the state farm jingle my cute State Farm agent didn't show up!........In person that is....I'm just sayin'
So now we wait.....
Have to say though, I am still somewhat expecting that beast of car to show up in my driveway tomorrow morning as if nothing ever happened.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Letting Go....
How does one do that exactly, let go?
Is there a switch, a button, or maybe a lever I can just turn off?
I wonder if there is a series of top secret codes that need to be entered into a classified computer in some unknown location in order to achieve the desired result.
If that's the case I am still looking, as I have yet to locate any of these!
It has come to my often distracted attention that letting go is not so easily accomplished.....even though I have no choice but to do so.
And even though statistically speaking I should be a pro by now! I have discovered the opposite to be true.
In fact I would go as far as to say I might even have a "small" problem with letting go....
Leah is gone, I know that! Everything in my being, as well as life screams that horrific reminder. Blatant denial is not an option, yet I find myself desperately clinging to what could have been. I don't want her to be a fading memory. I want her here!
Precious few, I hold dear in this world and those that I do, I never want to willing "let go". Final goodbyes have been forced upon me without ever having the chance to say hello. If given the choice I will fight for all I am worth and then some just to hold them for a moment longer.
And yet, all that has been held with-in the death grip of my fingers, becomes another reminder.
A reminder to let go.......
Let go, and loose more?
Let go, and suffer more?
Let go, and .......
It hit me this week, (through and unrelated matter) that although I often like to moonlight as "Wonder Woman" the reality is this,
I can't control a whip let alone change God's detailed plan!
Meaning even if I really were Wonder Woman herself and had the strength of Samson (which for clarity sake I am not and don't)
Who do I really think I am!
If God is going to take all that I hold dear, dinky me isn't going to be able to stop HIM....or even slow HIM down one Bit.
Sure I'd like to think I am all that!
And most days I will proudly proclaim that I am. But both God and I know who's really got it going on, and its not dinky me!
Besides wouldn't it be a better use of my energy if I just released my grip and let Him have them in the first place. If the outcome is the same either way, shouldn't I, at the very least save that energy for the battle? The battle I will be doing to survive without all that I was desperately fighting to save.
Logic has never been a sidekick I proudly defend..... but since we have already established this is not a page from Holland's "play book" I would have to say that from a purely logical standpoint letting go seems to be the "way to go".
I am worn.
I was drained long ago.
There is nothing left in me.
The driving passion to no longer hurt has been replaced by a surrendering freedom.....
I surrender all.................again!
Someday I will learn.
Is there a switch, a button, or maybe a lever I can just turn off?
I wonder if there is a series of top secret codes that need to be entered into a classified computer in some unknown location in order to achieve the desired result.
If that's the case I am still looking, as I have yet to locate any of these!
It has come to my often distracted attention that letting go is not so easily accomplished.....even though I have no choice but to do so.
And even though statistically speaking I should be a pro by now! I have discovered the opposite to be true.
In fact I would go as far as to say I might even have a "small" problem with letting go....
Leah is gone, I know that! Everything in my being, as well as life screams that horrific reminder. Blatant denial is not an option, yet I find myself desperately clinging to what could have been. I don't want her to be a fading memory. I want her here!
Precious few, I hold dear in this world and those that I do, I never want to willing "let go". Final goodbyes have been forced upon me without ever having the chance to say hello. If given the choice I will fight for all I am worth and then some just to hold them for a moment longer.
And yet, all that has been held with-in the death grip of my fingers, becomes another reminder.
A reminder to let go.......
Let go, and loose more?
Let go, and suffer more?
Let go, and .......
It hit me this week, (through and unrelated matter) that although I often like to moonlight as "Wonder Woman" the reality is this,
I can't control a whip let alone change God's detailed plan!
Meaning even if I really were Wonder Woman herself and had the strength of Samson (which for clarity sake I am not and don't)
Who do I really think I am!
If God is going to take all that I hold dear, dinky me isn't going to be able to stop HIM....or even slow HIM down one Bit.
Sure I'd like to think I am all that!
And most days I will proudly proclaim that I am. But both God and I know who's really got it going on, and its not dinky me!
Besides wouldn't it be a better use of my energy if I just released my grip and let Him have them in the first place. If the outcome is the same either way, shouldn't I, at the very least save that energy for the battle? The battle I will be doing to survive without all that I was desperately fighting to save.
Logic has never been a sidekick I proudly defend..... but since we have already established this is not a page from Holland's "play book" I would have to say that from a purely logical standpoint letting go seems to be the "way to go".
I am worn.
I was drained long ago.
There is nothing left in me.
The driving passion to no longer hurt has been replaced by a surrendering freedom.....
I surrender all.................again!
Someday I will learn.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Missing
I miss her....
I miss seeing her tiny movements within my body.
I still feel them. My own body tortures me with these phantom movements as if she is still there.
I feel cavernous with the emptiness she left behind.
I miss the excitement of what would have been.
I think part of me has gone missing, in my missing her.
I fight to hold onto her, even if it just her memory, it is all that I have left of her....
I am weary of this battle. It grew old long ago. I look desperately for my replacement, but there is none.
I know the depths of unconditional love and that I am surrounded by it. What I don't understand is how I can be so loved and so alone, so empty at the same time...
I miss seeing her tiny movements within my body.
I still feel them. My own body tortures me with these phantom movements as if she is still there.
I feel cavernous with the emptiness she left behind.
I miss the excitement of what would have been.
I think part of me has gone missing, in my missing her.
I fight to hold onto her, even if it just her memory, it is all that I have left of her....
I am weary of this battle. It grew old long ago. I look desperately for my replacement, but there is none.
I know the depths of unconditional love and that I am surrounded by it. What I don't understand is how I can be so loved and so alone, so empty at the same time...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Mouths of Babes
Amia asked me this week to write something "Happy" instead of sad! (She doesnt actually read my post just sees the tears that often come with the writing) As I thought of her simple request I found this old post from a couple years ago. Even though it was at my expense I couldn't help but laugh! So Enjoy!!
I got a shower today! Such a simple statement I never thought would be said with such enthusiasm. The days of soaking every ounce of hot water into my pores have vanished. Most days I am thrilled to just have the stench masked by other “mom” smells, but today I got a whole shower. The icing on the cake would be if I was actually able to accomplish such a feat alone! One would think that privacy could be obtained with children my kid’s ages. Yeah, about that, no matter how early I arise or how late I wait they know what I am seeking and feel compelled to invade and tell me all about their greatest woe. I have taken to showering in the middle of the day in hopes of getting a shower while they are doing something that is important to them therefore conceivably leaving me ALONE. (Sillygirl)
This day was no different; I waited for just the right moment to fulfill my plans and plotted my escape. A shower and a few minutes peace was all I needed for survival. Just about the time I had breathed that self satisfying sigh of accomplishing my goal I heard the cheerful beepity beep beep of my daughters digital camera! Any serenity I might have indulged in disappeared with the dawning of what had just occurred. Not only had I been discovered but now history was being made and there I was in my not so tight fitting birthday suit! (This is one post I am more than happy not to have a photo included)
Trying my best to remain calm and not scar my child for life, I blindly tried to reach for my "precious moment" and delete all evidence!! My poor little girl was crushed and heartbroken by her dripping mother’s reaction. When I politely explained to her that we don’t take pictures of people while they are in the shower, her only reply through tears was….
But mommy, WHY?
You take pictures of us in the tub, and then put them on facebook……
Ughmmmmm…….
Well…… (CRAP! Is what I was thinking!)
You see…..
What else does a parent say, that has obviously been busted by their own child's inquiring mind?....Oh yes I remember now! As my own mother used to say.......I am the mom thats Why!
I had hoped that one day I would be able to take hard hitting questions like that from my children with humility and grace. Admit to the error in my ways and we would both grow from such an experience.
Today is not that day!
I have tried to think of the best way as parent to make this one of those prized "learning moments" instead of a future therapy session. The only thing I could come up with was to post the picture she took. But I am too full of pride and common sense to do such a thing. Besides I kinda like the whole returning readers thing. For now, I guess, showers and serenity will have to wait.
In the years since I last posted this her camera has mysteriously vanished ........
I got a shower today! Such a simple statement I never thought would be said with such enthusiasm. The days of soaking every ounce of hot water into my pores have vanished. Most days I am thrilled to just have the stench masked by other “mom” smells, but today I got a whole shower. The icing on the cake would be if I was actually able to accomplish such a feat alone! One would think that privacy could be obtained with children my kid’s ages. Yeah, about that, no matter how early I arise or how late I wait they know what I am seeking and feel compelled to invade and tell me all about their greatest woe. I have taken to showering in the middle of the day in hopes of getting a shower while they are doing something that is important to them therefore conceivably leaving me ALONE. (Sillygirl)
This day was no different; I waited for just the right moment to fulfill my plans and plotted my escape. A shower and a few minutes peace was all I needed for survival. Just about the time I had breathed that self satisfying sigh of accomplishing my goal I heard the cheerful beepity beep beep of my daughters digital camera! Any serenity I might have indulged in disappeared with the dawning of what had just occurred. Not only had I been discovered but now history was being made and there I was in my not so tight fitting birthday suit! (This is one post I am more than happy not to have a photo included)
Trying my best to remain calm and not scar my child for life, I blindly tried to reach for my "precious moment" and delete all evidence!! My poor little girl was crushed and heartbroken by her dripping mother’s reaction. When I politely explained to her that we don’t take pictures of people while they are in the shower, her only reply through tears was….
But mommy, WHY?
You take pictures of us in the tub, and then put them on facebook……
Ughmmmmm…….
Well…… (CRAP! Is what I was thinking!)
You see…..
What else does a parent say, that has obviously been busted by their own child's inquiring mind?....Oh yes I remember now! As my own mother used to say.......I am the mom thats Why!
I had hoped that one day I would be able to take hard hitting questions like that from my children with humility and grace. Admit to the error in my ways and we would both grow from such an experience.
Today is not that day!
I have tried to think of the best way as parent to make this one of those prized "learning moments" instead of a future therapy session. The only thing I could come up with was to post the picture she took. But I am too full of pride and common sense to do such a thing. Besides I kinda like the whole returning readers thing. For now, I guess, showers and serenity will have to wait.
In the years since I last posted this her camera has mysteriously vanished ........
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A Good Day
So last nights ice may have thwarted today's plans but not for long!
Give this over active imagination, a smidgen of mischief and a few girls in need of expending energy and you will have giggles galore. It did not take me long to come up with a brilliant plan! (my humility here is astounding, I know)
Hard wood floors and a circular floor plan lend itself to perfect conditions to rid ones self of some serious cooped up exhaustion... So of course the choice is obvious! What better way to achieve the desired result, than skating? Given the fact that the last time I was on skates I dislocated my knee.... or was that when I fractured my elbow? Ahem, anyway the fact that we all escaped injury and laughed ourselves silly as we went round and round throughout the house, was a huge success.
Here a couple of the pictures i was able to snag as my cute little roller derby chicks tried to pass me up!
Give this over active imagination, a smidgen of mischief and a few girls in need of expending energy and you will have giggles galore. It did not take me long to come up with a brilliant plan! (my humility here is astounding, I know)
Hard wood floors and a circular floor plan lend itself to perfect conditions to rid ones self of some serious cooped up exhaustion... So of course the choice is obvious! What better way to achieve the desired result, than skating? Given the fact that the last time I was on skates I dislocated my knee.... or was that when I fractured my elbow? Ahem, anyway the fact that we all escaped injury and laughed ourselves silly as we went round and round throughout the house, was a huge success.
Here a couple of the pictures i was able to snag as my cute little roller derby chicks tried to pass me up!
It's that time of year! Winter Recital 2011
For those of you that weren't able to be there, here is the Girls Winter Recital. I love seeing their awesomeness blossom as they discover who they are! And since I am here soaking it in can I just say....Where in the world did Zoe's chubby little cheeks and curly ringlets go?
Oh and bear with me, the video of Zoe will eventually flip. I forgot. Sorry.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Punkn's
These punkn's are my absolute joy in the morning! They provide me with countless smiles and contagious uninhibited laughter every day!
Having 3 girls with completely different personalities lends itself to great moments, like this!
Our take on a family picture this year!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today
Today is a GOOD Day!
Wow! How refreshing just to be able to say that!
It could just be the coffee that has replaced my bloodstream but lets pretend its more than that!
The past few weeks have been brutal, so today I am declaring something other than brutal for this house.
Life goes on....It does not wait for me to pick myself up off the floor.
I will have twice the work to do if I stay there.....
That being said I'm off to accomplish SOMETHING today, even if it is as simple as painting my toenails.
It will get done!
Today is the day.....
Wow! How refreshing just to be able to say that!
It could just be the coffee that has replaced my bloodstream but lets pretend its more than that!
The past few weeks have been brutal, so today I am declaring something other than brutal for this house.
Life goes on....It does not wait for me to pick myself up off the floor.
I will have twice the work to do if I stay there.....
That being said I'm off to accomplish SOMETHING today, even if it is as simple as painting my toenails.
It will get done!
Today is the day.....
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A new Day
Today is Grace Genevieve Hope's 11th birthday!!!! What a treasure and delight to my soul you have been throughout the years! It has been so much fun for me to journey life through your eyes! I can hardly wait to see the beautiful woman you become! You already blow me away Kid! I love you!!
Leah
The Day we never wanted to see again, arrived on the 22nd....
Little 3lb 9oz Leah Kisch was born without life.....
She was 26 weeks.
Earlier in the day we were able to hear her heartbeat one last time.....Fear consumed me that I would have to give birth to her alive and not be able to do anything to help her as I watched her die. (this however did not become the case)
Strange as it may sound....and although every fiber in my weary body longed to will life into hers, it was a relief to not be helpless in doing so.
We have been blessed to be enveloped without incredible support and love. If it were not for that I would be so lost...
Thank you, Thank you for walking through this with me....again. Knowing and having a tangible expression of such a love leaves me speechless.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
There are Good Days and then There are BAD Days
This week my ratio for good to bad days seems to be 1 to 1.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Don't Know What To Say....
For years now friends have been after me to write a post about what to say to someone who has lost a baby.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
One day at a time....sort of.
I keep telling myself "one day at a time"......I know I can get through this if I take it "one day at a time". Trust and lean whole heartedly on those everlasting arms. Easy enough..... right?...Yet I am so easily drawn to a perpetual state of worry and self pity.....Worrying about every detail every why, how or what's to come, only serves to get me "wrapped around the axle" as Geoff says. Which is quite the unnecessary mess when you think about it. Frankly I do not need one more "mess" to take care of right now. So I am going to do my best to avoid that whole worrying thing completely. It does not change my circumstances or prepare me for tomorrows unknowns....In all honesty worry only blossoms distrust in the One I profess to have complete faith in. Which kinda defeats the purpose of faith....
There are many "Ups and Downs" on this journey and I finding that often they don't kindly limit themselves to just one a day. Many times during the day I can be smacked upside the head with the gravity of "our situation" and usually right in the middle of the grocery store with tired children and a cart full of half melted frozen items I have a choice to make. I can indulge in the self pity consuming me or wage war against it. My mantra of "one day at a time" quickly needs to morph into "second by second". I have learned that I must be alert on guard, because that pit of despair isn't just laying around hoping I trip and fall into it. Nope is life sucking fangs swirl around me enticing me into its self pitied lair constantly. It is a deep dark unrelenting hole to escape from. Climbing out of self pity's grasp is a lonely desolate doubt filled road. Some mornings I wake up to find I am already at the bottom of that pit, yet after spending the night ...(or in some cases a few nights) there, my determination to escape is boundless. I have seen despairs hideous face and want no part of it!
I know well the opposite road of this journey. It is lined with love and support. God has promised me so many times that He will never leave me, and He has provided you for me in more ways than I can count! The choice is obvious. I will walk this road hand in hand with those that love me unconditionally, that God has purposefully placed along my path. While it is not easy to to go through one step of this, I take incredible comfort knowing I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to walk this road with me, in whatever capacity. Your strength, wisdom and selflessness leave me speechless. I love you all dearly.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Mistaken Identity
Do you ever get on those phone calls where you know it's for you? The kind of call, where long before your eyes ever reach the caller ID your supernatural esp has already kicked in and you just know who's on the other side. There is a gut sinking feeling that becomes a deafening gong with each perpetuating ring.You know who it is and what they want but really want nothing to do with either?
The call is not a new call, its been avoided, muted and thrown numerous times before.
You stare at the phone one last time, deciding in that moment to finally do what has taken until now to do. Knowing all the while this moment in time will change life as you know it, forever.
The request on the other end doesn't matter, you've heard it before, What matters is the response to the request ...
Hello.........
Uh-Huh......
The call is not a new call, its been avoided, muted and thrown numerous times before.
You stare at the phone one last time, deciding in that moment to finally do what has taken until now to do. Knowing all the while this moment in time will change life as you know it, forever.
The request on the other end doesn't matter, you've heard it before, What matters is the response to the request ...
Hello.........
Uh-Huh......
God, are you serious?
No, You can't be serious.
NO, I'm sorry, but...(it's here that I start to interrupt and get angry at myself for even answering the stupid phone!)
No,You have got me confused with someone else.
No,You have got me confused with someone else.
I'm pretty sure you have got the wrong girl. The girl you are looking for wears these incredible red boots that aid in her super-speed. She has a lasso of truth and indestructible bracelets that protect her from all evil. She is equipped with super human strength, super-stamina and an agility in hand to hand combat that none can equal. Oh, and lets not forget that extraordinary outfit. Its mere presence alone, embodies one with the ambition to conquer the world!
Thats the girl you're looking for.
Thats the girl you're looking for.
I don't own a pair of red boots Lord...it can't be me.
Nope, sorry wrong number, wrong girl, have a nice day.BuhBye now!
Click.... Yes, I just hung up on God..... He knew I would.
Click.... Yes, I just hung up on God..... He knew I would.
Wonder Woman may have been imprinted on my underwear as a child, and many a costume were designed with her in mind. But no matter how hard I tried to become her, that role never overtook my imagination and became a reality.
For the last 11 years I have been a super of a different sort. The sort that chases bad dreams into oblivion, or heals a "mortal" wound with a single kiss. The kind of super that can accomplish 19 things at once without breaking stride. No task too small, no schedule too great and all will be done before the days end! Today however my "kryptonite" struck from behind and crippled me. It demanded my immediate and undivided attention. Super Mom needs more than a sidekick here she needs a whole new act! I don't think there has ever been a time that I wished I could actually be Wonder Woman more than right now......
Back in July Geoff and I found out we were going to have another child...................................(if this is the first you heard of it, please don't take it personally we did not tell many, in fact it took me quite a while to even want to tell Geoff.)
A few weeks ago we found out that this child also has the same problems that Nathaniel, Gabriel and Aida had and will not survive. By the time we turn 34 we will have buried 4 of our own children.
I am 18 weeks right now. Because with the other 3 we found out so late in the pregnancy of their condition, we did not have to wait too long for it all to be over....
This however is a whole new ballgame. We are looking at waiting approximately 12 more weeks...I say wait because even though the prognosis is fatal, the child within me is still alive and growing, we are choosing to finish growing this life however long it may be.......
God, I am really not sure how YOU see me fit to travel this road yet again, I am not all together sure that I qualify as "surviving" the last one. To be completely honest I don't even want to travel this road, again I am NOT innocent or naive to the pain. I know whats coming, it HURTS! Its not like ripping a band-aid off, quick and its over. This pain lasts a lifetime. And its not just me, it hurts others too. I can tolerate my pain but the grief and torment my girls and family have to go through. Unacceptable. I cant bear it. Isnt' there just an opt out number I can call?.....
I know this is THE option.....
I know this is THE option.....
God, I sure could use those stellar gold bracelets right about now.
You will hold my hand and I have nothing to fear.
Nothing is impossible with You.
Your plan to is not harm me but to give me hope and a future.
You have chosen me, and I can hide in You.
Your faithfulness has never failed me and Your mercies are new every morning!
I am weak and tired Lord, my bones are worn through with the continual ache of loss.
My will to fight left long ago.
Anguish consumes me.
I understand nothing.
My heart lays open on the table gutted for all to see.
Yet I trust you. For it is in and through You that I have any, let alone every confidence that beauty will come from what has been created in this crazy life of mine. Only you could heal this heart.
In You alone.... I trust you completely.....
.....Weakness infiltrates my every move, I still have a desirous "need" for the super speed inducing red boots to continue on.
I will trust in You....... and not the boots.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wave of Light
October 15th
Today is pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will never forget the imprint they left on our hearts.
Join us as we remember, and light a candle at 7:00 pm in remembrance of the little lives lost.
Today is pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will never forget the imprint they left on our hearts.
Join us as we remember, and light a candle at 7:00 pm in remembrance of the little lives lost.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Grace
I LOVE this KID!!! This is her favorite thing to do, and would do it for hours on end if I let her. Her own special flair at the end still has me cracking up!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
New Chapter
Well the time has come. All 3 of my precious punkn's went to school today, and by "went" I don't mean to the kitchen table. Home school in the Kisch house has come to an end. It was never my intent to teach the girls past 2nd grade. It became abundantly clear that the girls needed more than I could give them, so the decision was made. I fired myself from the position as their teacher and went in search of the alternative that would be better for all of us. It was not easy by any means and yet there was an immense amount of relief on my part. To now be able to be a mom that could equip my kids in the areas I excel in, rather than to struggle and muddle through all the areas I lack. I feel I am so much more able to come along side and assist rather than be responsible for their education.
Now if you have been anywhere near the girls in the last several months I am sure have already you heard all about their excitement over the prospect of going to "real school". Today that became a reality for each of them. For Amia she could not wait for the day to start. She was dressed and ready to go long before 6am! She counted of the hours until school started like the gong in a grandfather clock! (precious punkn')
After meeting her teacher Zoe was even more thrilled about going to school....that is until she saw her desk was right next to a boys! I was dumbfounded! Zoe? My Zoe? I just stared at her for a moment and then told her to put quivering lip and tears away. A quick look around the room told me there were no girls sitting next girls anywhere in that room. I realized the teacher knew exactly what she was doing. So after a brief pep talk and a knuckle pound I left.... because now this strange wetness was welling up in my eyes too! A quick peek later told me Zoe was fine and back to her normal self.
Grace exuded confidence as she took off for middle school, locker combination memorized, class schedule and school map in hand. She wanted nothing to do with the more than willing to "hold her hand" mother following her every step. I snapped 2 pictures only 2 mind you, of her before she left for school and she asked me in her ever so polite way... MOM could you please stop taking pictures of me?! I am not a celebrity or nothin'!!!"
WHAT?! But, But, You are my celebrity I whined.
She didn't buy it and only rolled her eyes for any further pictures I may have taken. I really really wanted to go all papparazzi on her. I envisioned gathering other jilted moms together and joining forces. Where we would be armed with 7 cameras each. Following her every move snapping millions of pictures. OOOOing and AWWWWing all the way!...... but I refrained. (silly girl, don't know how good she's got it.)
Anyway off she went like the big girl she is. I suppose, like my friend Lori says each step is training you for the next. I mean, one day soon they will be walking down an aisle....AAAAHHHH!
Ok for now I'm good with just dropping her off and picking her up at school.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Eight!!!
My Baby girl is eight today! WoW! When we gave you, your name we had no idea to what extent you would fulfill the depths of its meaning, and all before you even turned 8! You are the “life” of the party every moment of the day! The last eight years have been quite the ride! I expect nothing less in the years to follow. At first mornings light Zoe, you are my burst of sunshine! Whether I find you on top of the fridge at 18 months old at 2am or walking the roof line to watch the Thunderbirds fly by, my life with you has been nothing short of heart stopping…. I LOVE it! I wouldn’t have it any other way! Because of you I have learned to soak in each and every moment of life. With you holding my hand the world is full of carefree delightful laughter. Through your eyes I see a fearless abandon for what and who you love. You run toward life's fullest with all that you have giggling the whole way. Caution, to you is only a speed bump it does not paralyze you with fear. May you never lose the beautiful passion that drives you. I love the inquisitive “questions of the day” that you come up with they keep me on my toes. How you come up with the ones you do often leave me stunned and I realize that I underestimate you my punkin pie. You don’t just live life it bubbles out of you in such a contagious way! I cannot wait to see how all of the qualities I love and treasure in you, develop into an amazing woman…..So basically I want to be you when I grow up! J I love you BoZo! Happy 8th Birthday from your biggest fan!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Pennsylvania, Birthday, and Harry!
At the beginning of March a job Geoff applied for with LYCOMING ENGINES decided to fly both he and I out to Pennsylvania for an interview! It happened very fast we hardly had time to grasp the idea of moving across the country! The 3 day trip was very exciting and alluring! We even got some bonus time with Geoff's dad who lives 3 hrs from there! Geoff was really impressed with the company, and they were with him as well. And to be honest who wouldn't be when you look this good?!
OK so before I go any further getting your hopes up or getting you scared, (depending on which side of the fence you are on) .....He did not get the job. They said they wanted him but they did not have the budget to hire him. : P tttbbbbbppttt! (that pretty much sums up my thoughts on that!)
My birthday happened to fall on this trip so a weekend away on someone else dime, I really can't complain! My precious father-in-law whom I love dearly, spoiled me rotten! He gave me my all time favorite gift! Shoe shopping!!! He knows me and my weakness so well! ;)
And I have got money to spare for another pair! I will post a pic when I decide which ones to get!
34 years ain't off to a bad start! In my professional opinion though, you really cant go wrong when you start it off with cute shoes!
But then....
My lifelong sidekick and I indulged in our traditional birthday getaway!
A 6 hr road trip a great concert and lots of laughs!!!
I love you Sarah Lynn Doty! Can't wait for the next one!
Monday, March 28, 2011
My Problem Child has Returned Home
Well, I am dumbfounded, to say the least!
I sit here in a complete state of shock over this last weeks events.
Thursday night Geoff got a call from the Wichita Police Department saying that Big Bertha our run away had been found!
OH!...... Joy! (that should be read with sarcasm dripping from every letter!)
They also said that if we did not come get her immediately they were going to impound BB.....Geoff did not share my opinion to just let the fine folks of the WPD keep her. I think she needed to learn a lesson, besides I liked my sporty little replacement that we rented.
Anyway....
Very little had been touched in the van, it was only a few blocks away and the keys were in it!
I don't know how they got there as I don't leave normally leave them in the car. Frankly I really don't want to think about all that.
She's back and already back to her old antics of driving me C-R-A-Z-Y!
Locking me in the car.
Bed wetting.
Deliberately disobeying my orders to STOP!
Oh and my favorite the incessant poking til I hit back!
I am not above admitting I secretly hoped she would have runaway forever!
We may never know the story behind her little escapade ...
But for now I guess I am thankful for the laughter the whole ordeal brought us. And that I don't have to add another bill to the pile.
I sit here in a complete state of shock over this last weeks events.
Thursday night Geoff got a call from the Wichita Police Department saying that Big Bertha our run away had been found!
OH!...... Joy! (that should be read with sarcasm dripping from every letter!)
They also said that if we did not come get her immediately they were going to impound BB.....Geoff did not share my opinion to just let the fine folks of the WPD keep her. I think she needed to learn a lesson, besides I liked my sporty little replacement that we rented.
Anyway....
Very little had been touched in the van, it was only a few blocks away and the keys were in it!
I don't know how they got there as I don't leave normally leave them in the car. Frankly I really don't want to think about all that.
She's back and already back to her old antics of driving me C-R-A-Z-Y!
Locking me in the car.
Bed wetting.
Deliberately disobeying my orders to STOP!
Oh and my favorite the incessant poking til I hit back!
I am not above admitting I secretly hoped she would have runaway forever!
We may never know the story behind her little escapade ...
But for now I guess I am thankful for the laughter the whole ordeal brought us. And that I don't have to add another bill to the pile.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dude! Where's my car!!!?
I was awakened this morning to Geoff bellowing strange questions at me ....
Typically this is not all together an uncommon experience.
Questions like wheres my pants, wheres my badge or could you buy more Pepsi today? These kinds of questions are generally how I start my morning. All of these questions I can usually expertly plow through without ever removing my head from under the pillow! However this morning's barrage of questions actually propelled me out of bed to answer....or at the very least see what in the world he was talking about.
The van is not in driveway where is it?
I don't know! In your dishwasher....(I thought) - those words didn't actually escape my lips (and "dishwasher" really was what I thought!)
Holland where did you put the van?!
Geoff you drove it last!
It's in the driveway where you left it!
Side note - I didn't sleep well last night..........the dogs were forever barking!
Side note - I didn't sleep well last night..........the dogs were forever barking!
What kinda crazy are you talking?
My "Proverbs 31" wife hat was still buried deep under the covers!
I hauled my butt out of bed to help him find yet one more item that he had "mis"placed right under his own nose....
Only this time it really was, NO where to be found!
WHAT!?!
Who steals a van whose front end is riveted in place and also has been known to accessorize with pink duct tape and zip ties?
Seriously!
The only logical deduction I can come up with is that one of my fun loving crazy pranking friends has pulled off the ultimate practical joke!
What other reason could there possibly be?
What other reason could there possibly be?
In the days leading up to today's events my van had been exhibiting strange demonic like behaviors. As we were driving along in the pouring down rain my passenger window would randomly roll up and down of its own volition. Or when I would hit 55 mph the locks would so start jumping up and down like popcorn in a hot pot! Normally I could place blame on any of the 12 appendages flailing about in the back seats. But not this time, it is almost as if Big Bertha had become possessed. So maybe she left all on her own.
This whole thing makes no sense whatsoever!!! The only thing missing in this crazy mystery is the chalk outline of where my van slept and drooled all over the driveway. I think its trade-in value may amount to a whopping $300 bucks! Like Geoff said..."I cant even buy a bike with that!"
Both Geoff and I stood in the spot the van had been, just staring....staring at each other, staring at the street, unsure of what emotion to have. We are stupefied by the selection of our car versus the 15 other 'prime' candidates on our street. As we stand there, the silence is broken by giggles I refuse to suppress. I just couldn't resist voicing the movie line that popped into my head! (not one I would recommend)
"Dude, where's my Car!"
After abundant laughter, we finally make the necessary calls .....and by necessary I mean the calls to friends to make sure all of them have their alibis up to date. I do my best to see if anyone did indeed "borrow" Big Bertha. No one confesses, or claims ownership of the colossal prank!
Confusion.
Then all of the sudden a terrifying blood curdling thought fills my head.
ZOE! She wouldn't!......would she?
A quick sprint to Zoe's bed to assure myself she hadn't done something,.... well.... Zoe-esque the night before.
She's in bed in her typical butt in the air, fast asleep fashion.
Relief, as well as blood, flood back through my pulsating veins.
OK
Reality begins to sink in.
Someone really did steal our car!
Geoff calls the police, who take note of it and give him a case number which he then passes on to the insurance agent...Oh and I sang the state farm jingle my cute State Farm agent didn't show up!........In person that is....I'm just sayin'
So now we wait.....
Have to say though, I am still somewhat expecting that beast of car to show up in my driveway tomorrow morning as if nothing ever happened.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Letting Go....
How does one do that exactly, let go?
Is there a switch, a button, or maybe a lever I can just turn off?
I wonder if there is a series of top secret codes that need to be entered into a classified computer in some unknown location in order to achieve the desired result.
If that's the case I am still looking, as I have yet to locate any of these!
It has come to my often distracted attention that letting go is not so easily accomplished.....even though I have no choice but to do so.
And even though statistically speaking I should be a pro by now! I have discovered the opposite to be true.
In fact I would go as far as to say I might even have a "small" problem with letting go....
Leah is gone, I know that! Everything in my being, as well as life screams that horrific reminder. Blatant denial is not an option, yet I find myself desperately clinging to what could have been. I don't want her to be a fading memory. I want her here!
Precious few, I hold dear in this world and those that I do, I never want to willing "let go". Final goodbyes have been forced upon me without ever having the chance to say hello. If given the choice I will fight for all I am worth and then some just to hold them for a moment longer.
And yet, all that has been held with-in the death grip of my fingers, becomes another reminder.
A reminder to let go.......
Let go, and loose more?
Let go, and suffer more?
Let go, and .......
It hit me this week, (through and unrelated matter) that although I often like to moonlight as "Wonder Woman" the reality is this,
I can't control a whip let alone change God's detailed plan!
Meaning even if I really were Wonder Woman herself and had the strength of Samson (which for clarity sake I am not and don't)
Who do I really think I am!
If God is going to take all that I hold dear, dinky me isn't going to be able to stop HIM....or even slow HIM down one Bit.
Sure I'd like to think I am all that!
And most days I will proudly proclaim that I am. But both God and I know who's really got it going on, and its not dinky me!
Besides wouldn't it be a better use of my energy if I just released my grip and let Him have them in the first place. If the outcome is the same either way, shouldn't I, at the very least save that energy for the battle? The battle I will be doing to survive without all that I was desperately fighting to save.
Logic has never been a sidekick I proudly defend..... but since we have already established this is not a page from Holland's "play book" I would have to say that from a purely logical standpoint letting go seems to be the "way to go".
I am worn.
I was drained long ago.
There is nothing left in me.
The driving passion to no longer hurt has been replaced by a surrendering freedom.....
I surrender all.................again!
Someday I will learn.
Is there a switch, a button, or maybe a lever I can just turn off?
I wonder if there is a series of top secret codes that need to be entered into a classified computer in some unknown location in order to achieve the desired result.
If that's the case I am still looking, as I have yet to locate any of these!
It has come to my often distracted attention that letting go is not so easily accomplished.....even though I have no choice but to do so.
And even though statistically speaking I should be a pro by now! I have discovered the opposite to be true.
In fact I would go as far as to say I might even have a "small" problem with letting go....
Leah is gone, I know that! Everything in my being, as well as life screams that horrific reminder. Blatant denial is not an option, yet I find myself desperately clinging to what could have been. I don't want her to be a fading memory. I want her here!
Precious few, I hold dear in this world and those that I do, I never want to willing "let go". Final goodbyes have been forced upon me without ever having the chance to say hello. If given the choice I will fight for all I am worth and then some just to hold them for a moment longer.
And yet, all that has been held with-in the death grip of my fingers, becomes another reminder.
A reminder to let go.......
Let go, and loose more?
Let go, and suffer more?
Let go, and .......
It hit me this week, (through and unrelated matter) that although I often like to moonlight as "Wonder Woman" the reality is this,
I can't control a whip let alone change God's detailed plan!
Meaning even if I really were Wonder Woman herself and had the strength of Samson (which for clarity sake I am not and don't)
Who do I really think I am!
If God is going to take all that I hold dear, dinky me isn't going to be able to stop HIM....or even slow HIM down one Bit.
Sure I'd like to think I am all that!
And most days I will proudly proclaim that I am. But both God and I know who's really got it going on, and its not dinky me!
Besides wouldn't it be a better use of my energy if I just released my grip and let Him have them in the first place. If the outcome is the same either way, shouldn't I, at the very least save that energy for the battle? The battle I will be doing to survive without all that I was desperately fighting to save.
Logic has never been a sidekick I proudly defend..... but since we have already established this is not a page from Holland's "play book" I would have to say that from a purely logical standpoint letting go seems to be the "way to go".
I am worn.
I was drained long ago.
There is nothing left in me.
The driving passion to no longer hurt has been replaced by a surrendering freedom.....
I surrender all.................again!
Someday I will learn.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Missing
I miss her....
I miss seeing her tiny movements within my body.
I still feel them. My own body tortures me with these phantom movements as if she is still there.
I feel cavernous with the emptiness she left behind.
I miss the excitement of what would have been.
I think part of me has gone missing, in my missing her.
I fight to hold onto her, even if it just her memory, it is all that I have left of her....
I am weary of this battle. It grew old long ago. I look desperately for my replacement, but there is none.
I know the depths of unconditional love and that I am surrounded by it. What I don't understand is how I can be so loved and so alone, so empty at the same time...
I miss seeing her tiny movements within my body.
I still feel them. My own body tortures me with these phantom movements as if she is still there.
I feel cavernous with the emptiness she left behind.
I miss the excitement of what would have been.
I think part of me has gone missing, in my missing her.
I fight to hold onto her, even if it just her memory, it is all that I have left of her....
I am weary of this battle. It grew old long ago. I look desperately for my replacement, but there is none.
I know the depths of unconditional love and that I am surrounded by it. What I don't understand is how I can be so loved and so alone, so empty at the same time...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Mouths of Babes
Amia asked me this week to write something "Happy" instead of sad! (She doesnt actually read my post just sees the tears that often come with the writing) As I thought of her simple request I found this old post from a couple years ago. Even though it was at my expense I couldn't help but laugh! So Enjoy!!
I got a shower today! Such a simple statement I never thought would be said with such enthusiasm. The days of soaking every ounce of hot water into my pores have vanished. Most days I am thrilled to just have the stench masked by other “mom” smells, but today I got a whole shower. The icing on the cake would be if I was actually able to accomplish such a feat alone! One would think that privacy could be obtained with children my kid’s ages. Yeah, about that, no matter how early I arise or how late I wait they know what I am seeking and feel compelled to invade and tell me all about their greatest woe. I have taken to showering in the middle of the day in hopes of getting a shower while they are doing something that is important to them therefore conceivably leaving me ALONE. (Sillygirl)
This day was no different; I waited for just the right moment to fulfill my plans and plotted my escape. A shower and a few minutes peace was all I needed for survival. Just about the time I had breathed that self satisfying sigh of accomplishing my goal I heard the cheerful beepity beep beep of my daughters digital camera! Any serenity I might have indulged in disappeared with the dawning of what had just occurred. Not only had I been discovered but now history was being made and there I was in my not so tight fitting birthday suit! (This is one post I am more than happy not to have a photo included)
Trying my best to remain calm and not scar my child for life, I blindly tried to reach for my "precious moment" and delete all evidence!! My poor little girl was crushed and heartbroken by her dripping mother’s reaction. When I politely explained to her that we don’t take pictures of people while they are in the shower, her only reply through tears was….
But mommy, WHY?
You take pictures of us in the tub, and then put them on facebook……
Ughmmmmm…….
Well…… (CRAP! Is what I was thinking!)
You see…..
What else does a parent say, that has obviously been busted by their own child's inquiring mind?....Oh yes I remember now! As my own mother used to say.......I am the mom thats Why!
I had hoped that one day I would be able to take hard hitting questions like that from my children with humility and grace. Admit to the error in my ways and we would both grow from such an experience.
Today is not that day!
I have tried to think of the best way as parent to make this one of those prized "learning moments" instead of a future therapy session. The only thing I could come up with was to post the picture she took. But I am too full of pride and common sense to do such a thing. Besides I kinda like the whole returning readers thing. For now, I guess, showers and serenity will have to wait.
In the years since I last posted this her camera has mysteriously vanished ........
I got a shower today! Such a simple statement I never thought would be said with such enthusiasm. The days of soaking every ounce of hot water into my pores have vanished. Most days I am thrilled to just have the stench masked by other “mom” smells, but today I got a whole shower. The icing on the cake would be if I was actually able to accomplish such a feat alone! One would think that privacy could be obtained with children my kid’s ages. Yeah, about that, no matter how early I arise or how late I wait they know what I am seeking and feel compelled to invade and tell me all about their greatest woe. I have taken to showering in the middle of the day in hopes of getting a shower while they are doing something that is important to them therefore conceivably leaving me ALONE. (Sillygirl)
This day was no different; I waited for just the right moment to fulfill my plans and plotted my escape. A shower and a few minutes peace was all I needed for survival. Just about the time I had breathed that self satisfying sigh of accomplishing my goal I heard the cheerful beepity beep beep of my daughters digital camera! Any serenity I might have indulged in disappeared with the dawning of what had just occurred. Not only had I been discovered but now history was being made and there I was in my not so tight fitting birthday suit! (This is one post I am more than happy not to have a photo included)
Trying my best to remain calm and not scar my child for life, I blindly tried to reach for my "precious moment" and delete all evidence!! My poor little girl was crushed and heartbroken by her dripping mother’s reaction. When I politely explained to her that we don’t take pictures of people while they are in the shower, her only reply through tears was….
But mommy, WHY?
You take pictures of us in the tub, and then put them on facebook……
Ughmmmmm…….
Well…… (CRAP! Is what I was thinking!)
You see…..
What else does a parent say, that has obviously been busted by their own child's inquiring mind?....Oh yes I remember now! As my own mother used to say.......I am the mom thats Why!
I had hoped that one day I would be able to take hard hitting questions like that from my children with humility and grace. Admit to the error in my ways and we would both grow from such an experience.
Today is not that day!
I have tried to think of the best way as parent to make this one of those prized "learning moments" instead of a future therapy session. The only thing I could come up with was to post the picture she took. But I am too full of pride and common sense to do such a thing. Besides I kinda like the whole returning readers thing. For now, I guess, showers and serenity will have to wait.
In the years since I last posted this her camera has mysteriously vanished ........
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A Good Day
So last nights ice may have thwarted today's plans but not for long!
Give this over active imagination, a smidgen of mischief and a few girls in need of expending energy and you will have giggles galore. It did not take me long to come up with a brilliant plan! (my humility here is astounding, I know)
Hard wood floors and a circular floor plan lend itself to perfect conditions to rid ones self of some serious cooped up exhaustion... So of course the choice is obvious! What better way to achieve the desired result, than skating? Given the fact that the last time I was on skates I dislocated my knee.... or was that when I fractured my elbow? Ahem, anyway the fact that we all escaped injury and laughed ourselves silly as we went round and round throughout the house, was a huge success.
Here a couple of the pictures i was able to snag as my cute little roller derby chicks tried to pass me up!
Give this over active imagination, a smidgen of mischief and a few girls in need of expending energy and you will have giggles galore. It did not take me long to come up with a brilliant plan! (my humility here is astounding, I know)
Hard wood floors and a circular floor plan lend itself to perfect conditions to rid ones self of some serious cooped up exhaustion... So of course the choice is obvious! What better way to achieve the desired result, than skating? Given the fact that the last time I was on skates I dislocated my knee.... or was that when I fractured my elbow? Ahem, anyway the fact that we all escaped injury and laughed ourselves silly as we went round and round throughout the house, was a huge success.
Here a couple of the pictures i was able to snag as my cute little roller derby chicks tried to pass me up!
It's that time of year! Winter Recital 2011
For those of you that weren't able to be there, here is the Girls Winter Recital. I love seeing their awesomeness blossom as they discover who they are! And since I am here soaking it in can I just say....Where in the world did Zoe's chubby little cheeks and curly ringlets go?
Oh and bear with me, the video of Zoe will eventually flip. I forgot. Sorry.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Punkn's
These punkn's are my absolute joy in the morning! They provide me with countless smiles and contagious uninhibited laughter every day!
Having 3 girls with completely different personalities lends itself to great moments, like this!
Our take on a family picture this year!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today
Today is a GOOD Day!
Wow! How refreshing just to be able to say that!
It could just be the coffee that has replaced my bloodstream but lets pretend its more than that!
The past few weeks have been brutal, so today I am declaring something other than brutal for this house.
Life goes on....It does not wait for me to pick myself up off the floor.
I will have twice the work to do if I stay there.....
That being said I'm off to accomplish SOMETHING today, even if it is as simple as painting my toenails.
It will get done!
Today is the day.....
Wow! How refreshing just to be able to say that!
It could just be the coffee that has replaced my bloodstream but lets pretend its more than that!
The past few weeks have been brutal, so today I am declaring something other than brutal for this house.
Life goes on....It does not wait for me to pick myself up off the floor.
I will have twice the work to do if I stay there.....
That being said I'm off to accomplish SOMETHING today, even if it is as simple as painting my toenails.
It will get done!
Today is the day.....
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A new Day
Today is Grace Genevieve Hope's 11th birthday!!!! What a treasure and delight to my soul you have been throughout the years! It has been so much fun for me to journey life through your eyes! I can hardly wait to see the beautiful woman you become! You already blow me away Kid! I love you!!
Leah
The Day we never wanted to see again, arrived on the 22nd....
Little 3lb 9oz Leah Kisch was born without life.....
She was 26 weeks.
Earlier in the day we were able to hear her heartbeat one last time.....Fear consumed me that I would have to give birth to her alive and not be able to do anything to help her as I watched her die. (this however did not become the case)
Strange as it may sound....and although every fiber in my weary body longed to will life into hers, it was a relief to not be helpless in doing so.
We have been blessed to be enveloped without incredible support and love. If it were not for that I would be so lost...
Thank you, Thank you for walking through this with me....again. Knowing and having a tangible expression of such a love leaves me speechless.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
There are Good Days and then There are BAD Days
This week my ratio for good to bad days seems to be 1 to 1.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
One day I struggle to find purpose, and have to fight the urge to shut down completely.
And then the next I decide it time to not only learn how to fly an airplane, but also jump out of it as well.
One day I feel nothing. I am numb to the core.
And the next I absorb every pudgy sticky fingered touch, every crinkled nose smile, and every ear tickling laugh my girls make.
One day tears are all I can form as a means of communication.
And the next unbridled contagious laughter fills the air.
I feel as though I am stuck on an awful carnival ride! I cant get off. I just keep going round and round. It wont stop.... Everyone has left and gone home. I have no voice left to scream, the only sound that escapes from my mouth is a bizarre freak show like laughter that this ride forces it out of me. I do want so badly to laugh again, pure carefree uncontrived laughter. But this laughter is fraught with skitzophrenia. Even though it comes from my own lips I do not recognize it. It is foreign and scares me. Familiar faces start to appear, and they too are laughing, but they are also pointing not at the ride but at me. Mothers hide their own children's eyes as they scurry past. They haven't come to help me they to gave up long ago. They now pay money to come to see me the crazy lady who lost her mind, while trying to survive.
I have to fight! I must fight even though the propelled passion for which I am fighting remains unclear.
I want off this ride.
I want off NOW!!
Oh look Geoff is here today too! He is riding with me on the crazy train.
Just to be clear today's post was a BAD day.....I know I have incredible friends standing next to me to the very end. Again today is just a bad day. Tomorrow I will fight, better than I did today.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Don't Know What To Say....
For years now friends have been after me to write a post about what to say to someone who has lost a baby.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
After many blunders on my part as well as experiencing them first hand. I have no problem being blunt. As we all know I am fully capable of walking around with both feet in my mouth at once. I want so badly to be able to "help" to fix it, that all logic and thought vanish. Before I know it words that can not be erased escape my flapping gums like a slap in the face....just what anyone in any amount of pain needs.
If you still want to know my thoughts continue on.( and remember everyone is unique so take my thoughts with a generous grain of salt)
LESS IS MORE
I feel the need to repeat that.
Less is More!
Recognize there are no perfect words - I have no expectations of the "right words" I may wish, but when it comes down to it, I know that the magic words to fix every thing simply don't exist. No amount of blathering on is going to bring my baby back, or make me feel any better.
Let your actions speak for you. -The people who have just made themselves available to me for whatever, whenever are the people I want to be around again. They are not the ones I try to avoid at all cost....Yes there are those people out there who can't seem to help themselves when it comes to causing more pain than help. (I've been one myself)
Keep what you say to a minimum. - people going through excruciating loss will not comprehend more than 10 (if that) words said to them, at a time, so there is no point in going on and on. They quit hearing you 42 sentences ago. The K.I.S.S. philosophy comes to mind here.
Don't compare stories- there may come a time an place for that, but the first time you see them out in public Do NOT, I repeat Do Not share all about a "similar" situation your Aunt Bertha's 2nd cousin had with her cat, it helps NO ONE, including you. Nothing will ever compare to someones specific pain. All anyone will want to do is ESCAPE to the nearest exit.
Send a card I have saved every card every note ever written to me for each of our children's deaths. The words, love and verses have comforted me on the very worst of days.
Let them come to you I have the greatest friends in the world for this! I know that I can say - "I cant even talk right now ". I don't have to worry whether or not they will be offended or if they will still be around when I am ready to talk. I know without a single doubt they will be ready at moments notice to pick up right where we left off. As well drop everything if need be. ( I have pretty amazing friends)
Allow them to set the boundaries - There are some days that hugs are the exact medicine I need. And then there are others where every ounce of strength I posses is purposed solely for enabling me to keep it together. Where a simple well meaning hug can melt the glue that is holding me together. All that work is now an inescapable puddle on the floor. I hate falling apart in public! I do everything I can to avoid it. After several melting experiences I wished I could make a shirt to wear that said "HUGS HURT - BACK OFF!! Just to be worn on the days where I knew I would not be able to hug anyone without melting. Its OK to ask if you can give a hug. For me, I don't have a problem telling you if a hug is just what I need or today, or if it is not a good day. With that if someone tells you they can't hug you today, don't take it personally, even if someone else gets to hug them. Most likely they weren't given an option and were bombarded with well meaning lovin'. Besides its generally not about you. They will find you again, for a hug on a day when they can better handle it.
Things people have said that were a huge help:
I don't know what to say other than I love you!
I'm here for you.
Whatever, whenever you need it, no hesitation.
I am here to listen.
I am praying for you please let me know if there is anything specific I can pray for.
Simple and straight to the point. Nothing awkward. I realize some of those comments are loaded. So if you say it be ready to back it up!
I decided not to include a "what not to say" category for a couple reasons. 1) Its like wet paint the one thing you're not supposed to touch or say is automatically the first thing you do. 2) People well meaning loving people inadvertently say a lot of stupid things. I don't want someones poor choice in words in one moment to be forever etched in "history". 3) I have spent a lot of time asking God to remove those words from my memory, I'd rather not dredge them up. Just don't be stupid and all will be good........:) I know in many cases easier said than done.
----After thinking a bit more I realized that knowing that I am loved and not forgotten plays a huge part in the security I have. While this experience leaves many (including me) at a loss. Don't let that keep you from showing your love. There simply is nothing worse than feeling like you have the plague because no one knows what to say or do. The occasional I have been thinking of you or I love you speaks volumes.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
One day at a time....sort of.
I keep telling myself "one day at a time"......I know I can get through this if I take it "one day at a time". Trust and lean whole heartedly on those everlasting arms. Easy enough..... right?...Yet I am so easily drawn to a perpetual state of worry and self pity.....Worrying about every detail every why, how or what's to come, only serves to get me "wrapped around the axle" as Geoff says. Which is quite the unnecessary mess when you think about it. Frankly I do not need one more "mess" to take care of right now. So I am going to do my best to avoid that whole worrying thing completely. It does not change my circumstances or prepare me for tomorrows unknowns....In all honesty worry only blossoms distrust in the One I profess to have complete faith in. Which kinda defeats the purpose of faith....
There are many "Ups and Downs" on this journey and I finding that often they don't kindly limit themselves to just one a day. Many times during the day I can be smacked upside the head with the gravity of "our situation" and usually right in the middle of the grocery store with tired children and a cart full of half melted frozen items I have a choice to make. I can indulge in the self pity consuming me or wage war against it. My mantra of "one day at a time" quickly needs to morph into "second by second". I have learned that I must be alert on guard, because that pit of despair isn't just laying around hoping I trip and fall into it. Nope is life sucking fangs swirl around me enticing me into its self pitied lair constantly. It is a deep dark unrelenting hole to escape from. Climbing out of self pity's grasp is a lonely desolate doubt filled road. Some mornings I wake up to find I am already at the bottom of that pit, yet after spending the night ...(or in some cases a few nights) there, my determination to escape is boundless. I have seen despairs hideous face and want no part of it!
I know well the opposite road of this journey. It is lined with love and support. God has promised me so many times that He will never leave me, and He has provided you for me in more ways than I can count! The choice is obvious. I will walk this road hand in hand with those that love me unconditionally, that God has purposefully placed along my path. While it is not easy to to go through one step of this, I take incredible comfort knowing I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to walk this road with me, in whatever capacity. Your strength, wisdom and selflessness leave me speechless. I love you all dearly.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Mistaken Identity
Do you ever get on those phone calls where you know it's for you? The kind of call, where long before your eyes ever reach the caller ID your supernatural esp has already kicked in and you just know who's on the other side. There is a gut sinking feeling that becomes a deafening gong with each perpetuating ring.You know who it is and what they want but really want nothing to do with either?
The call is not a new call, its been avoided, muted and thrown numerous times before.
You stare at the phone one last time, deciding in that moment to finally do what has taken until now to do. Knowing all the while this moment in time will change life as you know it, forever.
The request on the other end doesn't matter, you've heard it before, What matters is the response to the request ...
Hello.........
Uh-Huh......
The call is not a new call, its been avoided, muted and thrown numerous times before.
You stare at the phone one last time, deciding in that moment to finally do what has taken until now to do. Knowing all the while this moment in time will change life as you know it, forever.
The request on the other end doesn't matter, you've heard it before, What matters is the response to the request ...
Hello.........
Uh-Huh......
God, are you serious?
No, You can't be serious.
NO, I'm sorry, but...(it's here that I start to interrupt and get angry at myself for even answering the stupid phone!)
No,You have got me confused with someone else.
No,You have got me confused with someone else.
I'm pretty sure you have got the wrong girl. The girl you are looking for wears these incredible red boots that aid in her super-speed. She has a lasso of truth and indestructible bracelets that protect her from all evil. She is equipped with super human strength, super-stamina and an agility in hand to hand combat that none can equal. Oh, and lets not forget that extraordinary outfit. Its mere presence alone, embodies one with the ambition to conquer the world!
Thats the girl you're looking for.
Thats the girl you're looking for.
I don't own a pair of red boots Lord...it can't be me.
Nope, sorry wrong number, wrong girl, have a nice day.BuhBye now!
Click.... Yes, I just hung up on God..... He knew I would.
Click.... Yes, I just hung up on God..... He knew I would.
Wonder Woman may have been imprinted on my underwear as a child, and many a costume were designed with her in mind. But no matter how hard I tried to become her, that role never overtook my imagination and became a reality.
For the last 11 years I have been a super of a different sort. The sort that chases bad dreams into oblivion, or heals a "mortal" wound with a single kiss. The kind of super that can accomplish 19 things at once without breaking stride. No task too small, no schedule too great and all will be done before the days end! Today however my "kryptonite" struck from behind and crippled me. It demanded my immediate and undivided attention. Super Mom needs more than a sidekick here she needs a whole new act! I don't think there has ever been a time that I wished I could actually be Wonder Woman more than right now......
Back in July Geoff and I found out we were going to have another child...................................(if this is the first you heard of it, please don't take it personally we did not tell many, in fact it took me quite a while to even want to tell Geoff.)
A few weeks ago we found out that this child also has the same problems that Nathaniel, Gabriel and Aida had and will not survive. By the time we turn 34 we will have buried 4 of our own children.
I am 18 weeks right now. Because with the other 3 we found out so late in the pregnancy of their condition, we did not have to wait too long for it all to be over....
This however is a whole new ballgame. We are looking at waiting approximately 12 more weeks...I say wait because even though the prognosis is fatal, the child within me is still alive and growing, we are choosing to finish growing this life however long it may be.......
God, I am really not sure how YOU see me fit to travel this road yet again, I am not all together sure that I qualify as "surviving" the last one. To be completely honest I don't even want to travel this road, again I am NOT innocent or naive to the pain. I know whats coming, it HURTS! Its not like ripping a band-aid off, quick and its over. This pain lasts a lifetime. And its not just me, it hurts others too. I can tolerate my pain but the grief and torment my girls and family have to go through. Unacceptable. I cant bear it. Isnt' there just an opt out number I can call?.....
I know this is THE option.....
I know this is THE option.....
God, I sure could use those stellar gold bracelets right about now.
You will hold my hand and I have nothing to fear.
Nothing is impossible with You.
Your plan to is not harm me but to give me hope and a future.
You have chosen me, and I can hide in You.
Your faithfulness has never failed me and Your mercies are new every morning!
I am weak and tired Lord, my bones are worn through with the continual ache of loss.
My will to fight left long ago.
Anguish consumes me.
I understand nothing.
My heart lays open on the table gutted for all to see.
Yet I trust you. For it is in and through You that I have any, let alone every confidence that beauty will come from what has been created in this crazy life of mine. Only you could heal this heart.
In You alone.... I trust you completely.....
.....Weakness infiltrates my every move, I still have a desirous "need" for the super speed inducing red boots to continue on.
I will trust in You....... and not the boots.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wave of Light
October 15th
Today is pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will never forget the imprint they left on our hearts.
Join us as we remember, and light a candle at 7:00 pm in remembrance of the little lives lost.
Today is pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will never forget the imprint they left on our hearts.
Join us as we remember, and light a candle at 7:00 pm in remembrance of the little lives lost.
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